In Loving Memory

You spent 19,404 days on earth, from Saturday to Saturday, our favourite day. Almost 10,000 of those days you spent with me. Every single one of those almost 10,000 days, I was breathless at the thought of you loving me. I still feel that way 2,036 days into the Time After. You are loved and honoured just as much as when you were here. I will see you again.

I informed everyone that there was an owl in the family and Dave asked 'Whoooo?' I knew it was him!

Love does not end where a heartbeat stops. It lingers. It grows roots. It becomes the reason someone stands back up again, even when their legs are shaking.

To play, press and hold the enter key. To stop, release the enter key.

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In Loving Memory of David James Eheler

Feb 4, 1967 - Mar 21, 2020

Dave was a great guy. He really was, I'm not just saying that. He had greatness in him. It shone through him at every age. He was an observant child and he had a long memory. He recounted his observations of what an adult looked like to himself at 5, 6, 10 years old. He watched their behaviours and the outcomes. He quickly learned to recognize good vs not good in adults and chose his path, when he was able to, with care. That lead him on a series of adventures from living in Florida to entering and serving the Military for three years. He raised a family mostly from afar with long phone talks and chats and visits. His children were always #1 to him. He earned himself a long term relationship with the love of his life, the whole time working hard so two could become one. He dipped into the music scene and figured out a way to make a living in it for a few years which lead him into creating his own business homebased marketing which is still going today. He lived in cities and outskirts in Southern Ontario and headed north. He loved the north. He loved winter, fires in the woodstove, plowing the driveway, walks, snowmobile rides. He loved his wooded acreage he was developing. He loved all seasons in the north and he settled in with his love, two small homes and all the toys and dogs. He lived his life his way as he designed it to benefit those he loved first. That made him happy and fulfilled, his way.

I saw a guy post this on FB:

"I don't want to do this anymore.
Constantly wondering why people aren't talking to me, wondering what I did wrong. If it's because I'm TOO much, I totally get that, but at the same time, I don't know how to turn that off. I love people, I love talking to people and I don't know how to shut that off. Wanting to be important enough to be apart of something special is a waste of time. I cannot help how I feel. My brain doesn't comprehend silence. I apologize to anyone who's experienced me and thought to themselves "I can only take this guy in small doses".
I love you all, sweet dreams and goodnight"

It stopped me in my tracks for a sec as I read and reread it. I thought of us, I thought of you. You couldn't turn off your love for what you felt was right and for needing to express it. I can't now either and yes it does turn people against me. I retreat now because I understand that people can only take me in small doses, if at all. We did the same thing when we moved north - we did retreat so our brains didn't have to comprehend silence and we could speak our truths. And I do apologize to anyone who gets annoyed - trust me, I feel bad about that and only want to turn to silence and my inner thoughts.

Some people don't get enough time here to fulfill everything they've wanted to do. Dave wanted to 'help'. He wanted people to have what he had. He wanted people to know what he knew. He made sacrifices so others could have what they needed. From giving blankets out of the trunk to homeless people in T.O. to giving as much money as he could when he could. He understood what it felt like to be in someone else's shoes. He had been there himself. And when he was able to, he gave back hugely. He had street smarts with a kind heart. That's a great combination. He could make others feel protected and figure his way out of many difficult situations, always coming out on top. His giving nature was a gift in the north. He was open to receiving, especially tips on fixing stuff and he was open to giving.

Hard Truths and Minor Inconveniences
I know to others, Dave's journey seems to be a kinda minor inconvenience. Just another person here and gone. meh. That's how I felt some felt. Right away. They got mad. They blamed him. They blamed me. Where was this love you speak of? Where was the empathy, the support and the after care? They were dwelling in their own disasters. And their anger got in the way of empathy. I recall the phone call to a family member to tell her his diagnosis and her initial greeting was 'Oh David, what now?' Well, I'll be outta your hair soon...

In the Time After, she would call me to talk about other people and what they were doing. I tried so hard to be patient but all I wanted from her were childhood stories of Dave, loving memories, hey listen to a northern adventure we had. But she would not go there and I had to stop listening about these people who had replaced him when he wanted to do what most young men want - go and conquer the world. Instead she would not talk about him. I had a hard time wrapping my head around that but knew in my heart what was happening. She said in an early conversation in the Time After, 'you'll be normal now, especially once you move to NF', I remember thinking, ya no I will never be your normal, ever.

Dave & I had had lengthy conversations about family and friends and the best move ahead for me. He knew I would not be cared for the way I would expect by his family once he was gone and told me to forge ahead without them. He said just don't return one call and they will be done and sadly, it was true. They had no real love for him or I and we knew why. When we moved north and stopped participating in the gatherings, we were done. That was it. No longer were we to be taken seriously. We were to be dismissed. We were taken only as an after thought. On top of daring to move outside the accepted area, we also spoke truth, our own truth. And we were not well received for it. Their reaction actually worked in our favour, but that's another story.

Fast forward to today. I have not communicated with most who we had recognized as not interested in a realationship. I feel free of the bondage they forced til we escaped. I did not become their normal and feel so empowered by that. This seemed like it was a toxic environment where everything was disguised with 'love'. That was proven to me by looking in their eye, hearing their words, listening carefully. It was easy to spot the distain and dislike that radiated outwards towards us. We could see that they looked at us, saw us speaking but heard nothing because of the turmoil in their heads of having to be right and us having to be wrong. They did not want their life's exposed. They did not want to consider learning something new. After all, they knew everything now so why change perfection? There are no forests full of mirrors for them.

I'm so very thankful for those who handle situations in a much more kind and lovely way. Who allow those that speak their mind, understand it may or may not be different than other's minds and thoughts and be open to where it might lead or just leave it alone in an agreeable way. I disconnected completely in the Time After with those clinging to the toxicity with the automatic assumption I would join. I'm not a joiner, still. The Time After is zooming towards 6 years. Grief feels different now. It's always there but has settled like my favourite sweater into the background, comforting and keeping me warm and balanced. I have read through many stories of grief and understand the emotions both ways are typical. Live with it solidly, wonderfully in your head as background so you always feel like everything's gonna be ok, you'll get through the interference of the daily stuff we have to deal with at the same time as always having your favourite radio station tuned to your brain. Or be angry. Be angry that it happened and therefore have to blame someone or something. The actual person that died gets lost in all that anger - I had it for a bit but quickly dropped it when I realized it became more important than remembering the life we built and why we did. I wasn't going to dwell in my disasters. I changed, no doubt. I moved to a city, lived with others who didn't really agree with me on much so conversation was tilted at time. I had to figure out an estate through the worst of covid along with the unreasonable, to me, demands on us during that time that I didn't participate in. I said no to all events I was invited to for two reasons - I wasn't sociable and didn't want to be and the demands of attendance - not for me. Happy to say no. Happy to stay home. Happy to stay tuned into Dave radio :)

Dave and I both truly believed in the idea that taking one's self out of the equation when it didn't add up, especially when it's spelled right out for you, is the best move for one's inner peace. Without inner peace, everything just falls apart. I find my inner peace every morning as I wake up, look out the window and listen for Dave the Owl to greet me.

More Hard Truths

My dad, who was a solid role model for me, died at the end of May 2008. He was 78 years old.

That morning, he had said goodbye to my mother and sister and headed out for a golf game with his 'best friend'. He made it to the 7th hole and went down hard. His friend was also a doctor and knew right away what had happened. The ambulance comes out and delivers them to the hospital where my dad is pronounced. The same hospital where he had worked for 45 years and had retired from.

The best friend doctor and the police show up at my mother's house to let them know what happened and we all get a call to let us know. My mother makes the calls as she thought that was important. I remember the phone call. We were living in Westmeath and I was in my 'office'. As I listen to what she is saying, it doesn't quite make a lot of sense. Her voice is steady but her words are devasting. I hang up and immediately go to Dave who comforts me, lets me cry and starts arranging how we would make it down to NF to be with my family.

We have the Pug with us. He's old and sick but still has life left in him. Dave calls his ex who had cared for Pugs for a few years when we lived in a place that wouldn't take dogs. He asked if he could drop Pugs off for a few days. She says no. The reason? She just doesn't want to. So we pack him up and ourselves and head down to NF. We decide to set ourselves up in a cabin-motel just down the street from my parent's house. There we could keep the Pug in his bed and hope he wouldn't disturb anyone. We go to the house and family starts gathering. We are shocked and worried about my mother. She is handling it all well, greeting us and offering food and drinks. We spend as much time as we can there while going back to check on the Pug. The next day is the funeral at the Funeral Home and we're told to be there 1/2 hour early. We have a bit of trouble settling the Pug and we make it a few minutes late. My sister-in-law greets us and grabs onto my arm actually leaving a mark. She hisses at me 'you are late, how dare you'. Her eyes are like daggers staring at me with actual disgust on her face. My brother is standing behind not saying a word. She's not the hissing type and I'm taken back, still shocked. I feel I'm not in the right frame of mind. I feel 'off'. And I look at her, not saying a word and she backs off. We're not late. My mother and sisters greet us kindly and the funeral begins.

After the Priest does the prayers, we all line up as family for the guests to go through with their condolences. Dave & I stand at the end of the line with my nephews, one of who can't stop crying. We console him as best we can through our grief. A woman comes up to me and says 'I knew your dad and he was really tough on us and I'm not sure why'. I stare at her like she's from outer space. She stares right back. Dave intervenes and asks her how she knew him. She said 'I worked for him and I didn't like him'. Our faces showed everything and she left quickly. Why would she do this? I knew my dad was highly regarded at work. Every other person in that room was there because he was an amazing doctor, an amazing boss and an amazing person, husband, father, grandfather and friend. His friend who had been with him cried. There was another woman who had heard what that nasty person had said to me and she came over to talk. She had worked with my dad for 30+ years and she described all that I already knew - how wonderful he was. How he had worked so hard to develop the new ultrasound department. How good he was to all his employees, especially the Technicians who worked so hard for him. I listened to her and I had recollections of the Technicians coming out to the cottage for beach days and for corn on the cob bonfires. My dad would bring the boat around on those days so they could all try their hand at water skiing. He was so generous with all he had offering it all up to them (and us). She made me forget the nasty one. And I'm grateful for her intervention.

One doesn't really understand how difficult funerals are for the family until they've experienced it. And ya I get they are hard for everyone - friends, co-workers, extended family - everyone. I knew I was vulnerable to attacks that day - it was written all over my face so the attacks did come. I've never forgotten. I have been to one funeral since then. I am so glad I didn't have to suffer through one for Dave. I don't want one for myself. Does that mean no closure? It doesn't for me. What is closure anyway? Why would I want closure for a loved one? Don't close anything - keep it wide open so thoughts, good thoughts flow. Memories .. good memories, all memories are always there humming along in the background.

In The Time Before

In The Time During

In The Time After

The first picture was taken in the early 90's. I was in my 30's, established in work, once divorced and searching for true love.

The second picture was halfway through my experience with true love. I found true love shortly after the first picture was taken because it was #1 in my life. I set out to find it and I made it work - it was so easy as life in true love rolled out just as I expected. The true love years put me into a state of constant care. I truly cared.

The third picture is in the after life. The life without true love in front of me. But what I've found in the past 5 1/2 years is that it still feels like it's there, this true love feeling. It never went away. And I feel content and still feel like I'm in a state of constant care. That's the beauty of true love. Whether it's one day or 30 years, true love will stay with us forever.

Turning the Why into How

When a loved one gets sick, the entire world changes for everyone around them.

I remember when our eyes locked as the Oncologist gently said 'Prepare yourself, get things in order. I'm sorry, there's nothing more we can do'. I felt a wave of fear come over me as I stared into his eyes. But I felt love stare back at me. I felt his eyes were saying to me 'I'm so sorry to be leaving you right in the middle of everything. Let's be strong together. We'll get through this!' The fear inside me subsided for a moment. My mind seemed blank as I caught a glimpse of life without him and then, click, the blankness was concealed with action. We're gonna make this better!

Action and the goal of making this all go away. Once we were home and on the meds, the Why started creeping in. Why did this happen? Why did God allow this and will He fix it? Can we fix it? Why, Why, Why. There are no answers to the Why. Were we bad people? Did God hate us? Were we being punished for trying to achieve our own life? Why?

In one of our many conversations during that time, we brought up the Why. Dave said I told you I wouldn't live as long as you but I didn't think it would be this early. I thought like, 80 or so. We talked through the Why of now. We also talked like 80 was still going to happen. But always came back to the Why us. Why now. Why.

80 didn't happen for him. He made it to 53. He passed away peacefully considering the trouble in his body. The synchronicity of that day will stay with me forever. As I think of the lovely nurse encouraging me to go to the hotel for a couple hours sleep and she would call me immediately if there was a change and I trusted her. I got some sleep and was back there before 7 am. As I walked into his room, I looked at him still lying there breathing in and out very very slowly but he was breathing. I looked out the window and there was an amazing gorgeous brilliant orange-pink sunrise that filled the entire sky. I held his hand watching this. At that moment, I looked at his face and saw the ravages of what he had been through in the past 5 months, physically and mentally. I leaned over and whispered in his ear, "it's ok sweetheart, it's ok to let go, I'm right here and there's a gorgeous sunrise for you. I love you". And he stopped breathing. I watched listening very closely for that next breath that never came. Just then, the nurse walks in and kindly says to me 'Let me check him' and she did her procedure and declared him. I said 'no, maybe it's not true, please check again' and without a word, she went through it all over again and said 'I'm so sorry'. I had to accept it that time. In the back of my mind, Why came up again. Why? Why today? Why now? I sat in the little chapel at the hospital, by myself, looking at the fake statues and candles, not really noticing anything but asking Why over and over again.

I asked Why all the way through the next several days, months and then years as I mechanically did the paperwork, kept the income coming in, sold everything, moved to my mother's, maneuvering thru the covid crap and trying my best to keep my head above water. What choice did I have? And always, the Why would appear. Why did this happen? The years started reeling in in the Time After. One year. Two years. Around this time, I gave my head a shake. I stopped asking Why. One can only ask a question so many times before realizing there really are no answers. Instead I put effort into making myself feel better physically and mentally changing up diet and exercise and routine. Making myself more available, striving for kindness above all else. That change alone was cathartic to me. It brought me out of my sorrow. It brought me out of the Why and into the How. How can I make sure his legacy is equal to what he was - Brilliant! How? And that changed everything for me.

The sorrow is always there, humming along in the background and I work with it now. Knowing heartbreak to that extent changes a person. I've learned it doesn't mean I die too. It's not that easy. It's hard! It's really hard! But when the Why turns into the How, it, the sorrow and the pain, turns into another part of me that I now hold on to very very tightly. My goal in life now is to keep working on the How. How do I honour his legacy the way we would want it? How do I keep my head up high, but not as high as the clouds, at the same time, honouring him and those around me. That's what I work on now. I've turned the Why into the How and I love it.

Dave's Cancer Journey

Dave passed away in March 2020 from cancer. Here's his story.

The military doctor in the late 80's noticed Dave had more than normal amount of moles mostly on his back. Dave was in his late teens at the time and was told to 'watch' them going forward. His skin tended to burn quickly and after a real nasty burn in Florida, he kept his shirt on and was aware of sun exposure. Over the years, he would notice a mole changing a bit and would have it taken care of. Around 2016/17, he started complaining of feeling tired and of digestive issues. We tried all kinds of different diets as we kept up with working, the walks and the visits. By 2018, he didn't want to go anywhere so the visits stopped. He narrowed down his energy to concentrate on the houses and the business as he kept up with his close relations. Going into 2019, he started to want to narrow down the business and stopped most of the work around the houses but he kept up the snow and outside necessary duties. In September, he noticed a mole that changed shape, growing overnight. He tried his usual method to remove the mole but that made it worse it seemed and he switched over to another method which did nothing. By mid October, he got sick and had to go to the ER where he was diagnosed in Stage 5 Melanoma as it has already spread to several places including 76 spots on his lung, his lymph nodes, and his liver. He was admitted into the Sudbury cancer center and received immediate treatment to help his pain, his anxiety and he had his lungs drained and qualified for immunotheraphy. He was back home within a week and on the new meds. They started in November and arrived via Purolator from the Mayo Clinic. As his care partner, I had to attend several sessions with the Oncologist and his team via streaming video to be able to administer the meds to him at home. He had VON that started coming every 2nd day. Nurses we got to know and trust. He started feeling better as the meds started working. He had very few side effects at the beginning. In January, he went for a follow up CAT scan and it showed the cancer was clearing up and the tumour was shrinking. It was working. That winter, during his recovery time, we planned a future. We thought of moving to Sudbury, to Ottawa, of selling one house and living in the other. He wanted to change up the business model. We watched countless videos, shows, documentaries, and movies. We went out to a restaurant for lunch. We went to a hockey game in Kirkland Lake. He spent 10 minutes plowing on the atv. We talked and talked and talked. The VON started coming less and less and we had a lot of hope. We would go to the clinic in town and talk with his Oncologist via a video link. Dr. Cano thought maybe Dave would be one of the lucky ones. Everything was going fine until one day in March. It was actually the day the pandemic was announced. That day, Dave's fever spiked up to 106. He had to immediately stop the meds and the next day, he couldn't lift his head off the pillow. 'Something's wrong' he said as I called 9-11. He was put into the ICU in Kirkland Lake as they tried to get his levels up. His heart rate was at 30 which is very low. From there, they air lifted him back to Sudbury. He was given a CAT scan of his brain and the Oncologist said he had never seen so many huge tumours that had developed so quickly. They could not do surgery. There was nothing they could do for him. He passed away three days later.

Dave's Obituary

Here is Dave's online Obituary that I update. There are over 300 photos in there! A wonderful tribute to a wonderful man.

The year was 1994. Dave and I had met and gotten to know each other, fell in love and all that good stuff. We were both working and figuring out the details of our lives. We both enjoyed so much together and especially music. Dave loved all music. He didn't care about the genre, if it was good, he listened. He had a musician's ear and could play the guitar and sing and did it for fun and to entertain us. We discovered Pay Per View and planned a weekend of music which included a concert by Depeche Mode. Neither one of us were really into Depeche Mode or much of the 80's music but this we liked. Such a great memory of that weekend, putting the woodstove on in the basement rec room, cozying up on the couch, drinking and smoking and just having a great time, the two of us. Fast forward to 2025 and I listen to one station on the radio in the car and don't they start playing Personal Jesus over and over. I find that very curious ... why is this alternative contemporary radio station constantly playing this song? This song that brings up that wonderful memory for me every single time. I love it and I feel like I have my own personal Jesus that so very closely aligns with the real Jesus. Reach out and touch faith.

The Time Before and The Time After

In the Time Before, life physically was different. Our view was of a small northern town, covered in either snow or sunshine. Our view included trees, bushes, wild animals, crooked sidewalks, long windy lonely highways, snow machines, pontoon boats, fishing, endless skies, sunsets and sunrises in looping display all year round.

In the Time Before, I had Dave by my side. Even amongst the beauty of our surroundings and view, we liked to have deep, uninterrupted conversations. About life. About the future. About worldwide views. And I think we all have those fleeting thoughts when we are in the midst of a loving good relationship about the What If. What If I got sick. What If I died. What If you got sick. What If you died. We had those thoughts and we had those discussions.

Dave told me long ago that he had a good sense, a feeling, that he wouldn't live to 'be old'. And that I would. We talked about it. I respected his thoughts on this and we worked harder to see if we could reverse it or slow it up. Maybe we did. I'm hoping we did.

It became one of our many interests. We wanted to feel healthy. We wanted to live a good life. We wanted to always be kind and empathetic. We wanted to be intelligent enough to comprehend subjects we never thought of before. Intelligent enough to make money and spend it wisely. We wanted to experience real life. We felt a great need to get out of the concrete jungle and get into nature. And we did.

It lead us north. It lead us to small town living. It lead us to always do well with CAP. It lead us to owning two little houses and an acreage lot. It lead us to being able to afford some toys for snow and water adventures but we kept it all simple. We kept it all enjoyable and easy to manage. That's how our life unfolded together in the Time Before.

Now in the Time After, Dave set me up well to afford a simple life here now. I've had to narrow everything down - the business, extended family, outside entertainment - narrowed due to desire, not due to finances. Desire to help my mother. Desire to be able to handle what my family might need. Desire to react in a calm manner. Desire not to want much and to be satisfied with just enough. I'm right in line with the Time Before. The view in the Time After is definitely different but my thoughts align with the Time Before.

Coffee Talk in the North

Dave & I had a friend in Vtown. He was an 'old guy' using expressions like 'rode hard and put away wet'. Dave met him at the post office and they stood outside while Bruce smoked 5 cigarettes and they talked about chemtrails. It was a satisfying conversation for both so the friendship continued. Bruce had owned a business in his past that he lost due to love. Even so, what he wanted most in life in his late 60's was true love. He recognized it between Dave and I and he worked hard to get that too. In the end, he did. In the meantime, he would come over for coffee and conversation. Sometimes other old guys would come too and Dave let them smoke in the basement if the woodstove was on. I'd bake pizza and cookies and coffee. And the conversation would flow from conspiracy theories to how to build a house. Bruce ended up outliving Dave by a few years, succumbing after years of illness, hospital and doctors but with the love of his life by his side. Our relationship with Bruce wasn't always easy. I mean he was an old guy who was living with some of life's biggest regrets but he had a kind soul. We did see the opposite a couple of times so we were always very careful.

Most of the time, I would serve the food and coffee and then leave them to their conversations in the basement. Yes it was Dave's man cave although he always every time invited me to sit down too. He always wanted to include everyone. He was excited about the reception of his thoughts and how more and more people responded positively to him. Instead of dismissing him, they asked questions or brought up their thoughts. They were open to new ways to look at old events and the average age in the room would be over 70 for sure. And the conspiracy theory talk along with the homesteading-type talk came together. They started building moving seasonally to outside construction. Dave just lapped all this up bigtime. He would be equally excited about an interesting conversation as he would be about turning a trailer into a tiny home or fixing his own roof or building a bedroom in the basement. He felt complete. He could hardly wait to share all this knowledge. Our meme we would say to each other out loud often was 'if you build it, they will come'. So we built it.

At the same time, we had another set of friends in Vtown. These were old guys and their wives. They had grown up and lived in Vtown retiring after having careers and raising their families elsewhere. They were active and interested. They showed us the bush via atv and numerous lakes via pontoon boats. We went to restaurants in Rouyn and Larder Lake. We watched their place while they traveled south. They loved their small town and they loved being outside snowmobiling, fishing, atv'ing, walking, building and they loved good conversations over dinner. We learned so much from them. They loved Dave's openness and his willingness to try everything and talk about anything.

A realization came to us during this time. We observed how time was speeding up for people on the south coast of Ontario while time started going much slower in the north, slow and lovely. Long afternoons and evenings. Wonderful early mornings. Time enough to get work done inside and outside and even get a ride down to the lake in before dinner. When we would have a chance to talk with the next generation down, we found them open and interested. When we had the chance to talk with generations up, we found them open and interested. Ours? Not so much. They seemed bogged down by complicated lives. They were so involved in their children's lives that puzzled us as we wondered how those kids would ever find their own way. They didn't have the time for conversations that revolved around the why of time speeding up. Anxiety and worry seemed to be solved by trips to resorts and beaches. But then, we couldn't help but point out, you're coming home to the same thing so trips don't solve what digging into life and giving our head a shake as to what we may be doing to our children. The fear was ramped up in the media including tv & 'news'. As we saw it at the time, the more fear, the more the net will tighten over us all. As the years moved on with our life in the north, we dug into planning for a future we could sustain. We knew how lucky we were to have this great income working at home together. We knew how lucky we were to be open to learning and working with small town people who had the same ideas and values as we did. We learned the valuable lesson of the Win-Win in negotiating in life and in business.

Just as Dave gave 100% respect to the musicians he worked with earlier, he gave that and more to this next phase in his life. He was open to working together with me for this simple life we created out of nothing but love.

Writing out the memories recently is both cathartic and really really hard! Cathartic because there are so many amazing times to remember and hard because there are so many not so amazing times. Is it best to write them out in order to get past them? Maybe. Kinda like therapy I assume.

There are a lot of things I need to assume, we all need to assume in life I suppose. All the 'firsts' we experience - the good and the bad. Those firsts can be life changing. They can be huge lessons to learn. They can be heart warming. They can show a person who really matters around them.

Strangely, after writing out several stories, real memories, I am now having vivid dreams. The stories are all blending in together and the dreams are of a person in a situation that happened but with someone else, if that makes sense. Unsettling dreams that I wake up and think about.

I realize I have never got through the passing of Dave. I'm not looking for that closure I spoke about. I don't want to close it. I want to live it, love it, be ok with it. How does one do that? It's like PTSD. I've had that with the accident. Because we were hit from behind, every time I hear something from behind me, I have to look back. And yes, it is in fear of it happening again. I know I've never got past that trauma, to this day, almost 50 years later. That's kinda pathetic. So get over it! I can write that out as much as I want. I can believe it. But can I live it? Do I live in the past? Do I dwell in my own disasters?

I have to ask myself those questions and I would like to be honest with myself. Writing it down, like saying it outloud is a form of therapy I think, even if no one reads it. I think trauma resides in the brain because we think it will happen again and we (I should say I) keep replaying it over and over, like a movie reel that never ends. Maybe that's why I've never settled in one place and so easily moved around. And when I did allow myself to feel settled in Vtown, it ended anyway.

The biggest stressors in life are the death of a loved one, divorce, job loss, financial struggles, our own health issues, moving/relocating, incarceration. Well, I've never been to jail, so there is that. I believe fear is the underlying issue with all the big stressors. So basically being unprepared and the fear hits hard. I remember getting fired from Blue Summit Music - turns out I was just the first to go as the company wound down but that was difficult. I feared I would never be able to work again (not a reasonable fear). I remember how scared I was when my husband made the chilling call to me to say he was never coming home. I was left with an empty sad house in a weird town and those around me had no idea how to help me. This may have been a reasonable fear, if there's such a thing but it's fear and stress regardless. I have moved more times than I can count. Many of them were really good moves. The last two were the biggest and the most stressful I've ever been through. Selling our life in Vtown and moving back to NF into someone else's house and then being 'trapped' in the covid world was extreme. Extremely stressful. Moving to this place now and all it entailed in getting my mother's life wound down was even more so. But all those come in a very close second to holding Dave's hand and watching him stop breathing. I mention going to the chapel at the hospital and I tried to pray but fear held me back. I had more fear in me at that moment than ever before or since.

I believe I learned to hide my fear after the accident. At 17 years old, I knew not to express the pain because others around me would feel bad. So I kept it within. I tried to just be normal. That did set me back physically and mentally, I know that now. Same thing with the divorce. I had to pretend it didn't really matter so that others would be ok and I could move on with life quickly. And the biggie, Dave. I still to this day can't reconcile that it happened. I know that. I'm not ok with it. I learned to turn the why into the how. I learned not to talk about it out loud. I learned not to compare my sorrow with anyone else's. I learned others could move on and didn't have the patience when I couldn't. I learned that others would try to distract me when I didn't want to be and that caused a lot of stress in me, not them.

I am working hard on losing the fear. On being okay with my remaining days here. Likely, they are numbered and that's ok. I don't fear the ultimate outcome that we all face. So maybe my fear is lessening for everything else too. No longer do I fear finances or having to move again. I no longer have to fear losing a job. I know my mother is close but there's no fear in that loss. There's more a sense of joy for her - for having a good long life, for doing the right things for her family and for being reunited with my dad. I'm happy for her. Writing down my memories have helped me to reconcile with my fear. This crazy dream I had last night which was a mix of all the memories was so odd but now I can shake it. I feel my dreams will change back round. So I write all this down to lessen the fear factor, to lessen the stressors and to move forward with purpose. I want to be kind and thoughtful. I know I've accomplished that with my mother. No matter, I'm kind to her and very helpful. I visit her every day because I know she needs that connection and I have the time and I have the desire. I'm patient with my sisters and brother allowing them space and time and also an ear if they need it. I'm very different than they are so it doesn't always work - when it doesn't work, that's my problem, not theirs. I'm striving to do more for others in my circle, especially a very special one who is raising her girls up, at the same time, she generously gives of herself. You know it's you :) You lift me up and lessen all the fears while holding in your own. Your memoirs will ease that burden for you and I would like to do that too.

I have no answers, only questions. The world has ramped up in fear propaganda. Propaganda we can, for the most part, ignore. But i still see fear in the faces of our new arrivals, of some young people and elderly. I see the fear in the faces of the doctors and the nurses as they struggle, real struggles of trying to help people. I also see resignation on the faces of those ill or old which to me means they are past fear and onto somewhere else. As I recall the feeling of floating above the accident, floating above all the work of selling and moving during covid, floating above with Dave as he made his way into the sunrise, I know I want to float above again. That's my number 1 goal right now. Keep floating above the chaos and the fear but not so high that I lose what's right in front of me.