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The Luck of Brin's Five. by Cherry Wilder.
This is a story that told of a man who crashed on a planet where he was adopted and accepted by a local multi generational alien family. This alien culture saw caring and helping any living being who was in some way challenged or different, as an honour and a priviledge. To be able to help care for someone very elderly, disabled, ill or diverse was seen as being lucky, as it was a way to add to society's growth in empathy and kindness
When you don't understand, lean in more. When it challenges your intelligence, lean in more. When it makes you feel stupid… lean in more.
When we're faced with ideas, innovations and information that we don't understand – the natural human response is to lean out. To dismiss. To protect our ego.
But the key is to reserve the temptation of judgement.
Ask honest questions:
Why am I believing what I believe?
Is it possible that I'm wrong?
Do I know what I'm talking about?
Am I leaning out because I don't understand?
Those that have the patience and conviction to do this will undoubtedly own the future.
Those that don't will continue to be left behind.
What are you leaning out of right now that you should be leaning into?
-The Diary of a CEO.
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Hey Hi, (holy cow, this one's a super super long one - sorry about that)
hahah Well, what the heck do I know about real estate LOL. Ok thanks for the response and the extra info. Some of those smaller towns are just out but St. Mary's might be good. I did check the area around the school you mention and ya, that's a tough one. The price may not fit for exactly what you are looking for but at least you've got time and a good sense as to what you want. If you don't mind, I will keep looking online and send one or two your way for consideration even tho you've probably already seen it. It's like shopping for someone else - always fun!
It's interesting you say 'my control' in your email. I get the mother instinct coming out in you for sure. I know it will with my sister too. That's natural and lovely and believe me, I love the thought that someone like you cares enough to want to do all those things. And I also love the thought that you understand they may not be needed now but that I know, in my head, that I could reach out to you in that way. Just knowing :) Yes that is important. I feel the same about you and your family. I may not have that urgent need to 'fix' everything but maybe because I know not everything can be. I know that from experience and that sometimes we have to roll another way instead. And try to make the best of it by keeping ourselves in the light. J's anxiety issues, for example. Ya, that's a tough one and one that I'm sure you feel often that you can't control and just want him to 'think a different way'. To just be better. But you know it's not that easy and he just can't sometimes. In thinking about his upbringing, it's really no surprise. How often would he find himself wanting to protect his mother against the meanness that we can only imagine was directed towards her. And I would think that the meanness (that's just a placement word for all of M's issues) started long ago, it's not just recent. And J could never 'fix' that. Instead he had to live through it and try to figure out how to at least alleviate it - also impossible. And what comes out for him is in the form of 'anxiety' in his own life. If only they would allow him and he would allow himself to have his own life. Much of that anxiety would go away for him I think. In today's world, parents don't allow their children to 'cleave'. And they absolutely need to do that. It shouldn't be the children's responsibility to make it happen but they do in the form of moving far away. Far enough away that weeks go by without the thought of dad coming up the driveway to tell me everything I've done wrong and to fix it for me. The anxiety would be there at first of course. Can I do this on my own? And then it happens, like magic. Yes yes I can do it and maybe a little bit of that anxiety goes away. I'm not saying you guys need to move far away lol. And I also know there are many other reasons for J's anxiety to come out. I'm just pondering the start of it and how to get to the very bottom to fix it. If he was cleaved from his family, like my dad was, he would find himself in a position of making decisions, clear decisions for his family that makes so much more sense. Without static interference. With a clear mind, feeling good about himself. And I know that happens many times for him now, no doubt. But then the anxiety comes back for whatever reason, like driving in the winter. Is it just about driving in the winter. Would moving to Stratford at least take that reason away but would it be replaced by something else. I get why you are so adamant on the exact house - no neighbours, lots of bedrooms, big backyard, fenced in yard, not on a highway - all those things will help alleviate a lot of anxiety on both your parts and will enhance your life. And I get that the thought of spending too much money to get that dream life may create more. It's a conundrum for sure. I'm so glad you've got some time to keep looking because that dream home (we'll call it) may appear like magic some day! But through it all, would J's anxiety go away? Or is it deep rooted? I saw a post by Dr. Berg the other day that said some anxieties are caused by high blood sugar. Without someone actually knowing, they have high blood sugar and feel 'off' and it feels just like anxiety symptoms so they maybe go on some pill or something without realizing it may be their diet. Anyone can have high blood sugar even if they think they have the 'perfect' diet. But just pointing out that that is one of the deep rooted causes of some anxiety for some people and maybe a 'fix'. I know that it's thrown out that 'well some people are just born that way' but I never bought into that theory. I think with some real digging, we can always get to the root of an issue. Like mine - if I were younger, I would definitely be thinking about that and wondering if I could cure it by changing up some things in life. And even tho I'm old lol, I have thought of the fact that I put myself into my mother's home 6 years ago and stayed there and caused a whole lot of stress on myself. And I didn't ask for help with it, I just silently allowed it to maybe cause this issue to happen. And it continues even tho I'm in the Penthouse. She has made it known how much she struggles with having to sell her home and I've let her say that outloud to me so many many times. She can get mean too in her frustration. And I have actually, since this diagnosis, have tuned her up on that. I said one time, 'if you keep talking to me like that then I won't come over here' and I've also said 'what would dad think of you talking like that?'. There have been times just recently when she's lashed out in a mean voice that is not hers but I have felt so sad inside and have just wanted to say 'hey I'm not long for here so please treat me with kindness'. And maybe when I do tell her the truth of everything, that meanness will stop. And I do know it's not her fault entirely - it's maybe part of heading into dementia and if she knew how sad I get, she would be horrified. Cause that's not the kind of person she was or the kind of mother she was. So one way of helping myself right now is by having the sister here so that she goes over there to fill the time in and I stay home. But again, I put myself into this situation and I also know the stress of D and wrapping up our wonderful life has got to me now. And that's ok and I will be ok. I just still try to figure out ways to make it better inside my head. When I lost the weight and felt so good, I'd walk the track or the hydro fields, I'd take a million photos, I'd go for drives = all that helped hugely. So the other day, the sister drove us down to the Falls and I got the camera out for the first time in months and took some photos. She likes to wander as she's driving so we did a little tour of NF too :) We ended up going down the street where my mom's house is and saw the neighbour outside so stopped to talk to him. He asked if we wanted to my mother's house to see the changes and brought us over there.
I can't remember if I ever told you but we put the house up for sale in September and one of the first people to come thru was a guy who pulled up in a truck and used a pulley system to get himself into a wheelchair to see the house - he had a Realtor of course who helped him. I was late getting my mom out of the house that time - we usually left way before a showing but she had some kind of issue I had to deal with. But I said to my mom, hey, that's the guy who should buy this house. So months go by - we have showings like 3-4 times a weeks, just a ton of them and the Realtors would leave their cards. Even thru Christmas they came. So much interest because it was a big bungalow perfect for a family or a couple retiring. It needed updating big time tho. My brother was in charge of the actual selling. We would get offers but they were all too low and we weren't in any hurry. I was living there alone and mom was already at EF. I saw the card my guy's Realtor would leave at least 4 times. The Realtor was from Toronto and had a funny sorta saying on the card - his last name was Hand and he used that in a clever way.
So our own Realtor was a young guy and his great grandfather had actually built the house. Him and his dad owned a brokerage and they were thrilled to get our business and be able to see the house again and to sell it. He would text me every time there was a showing and over 7 months we got friendly. I would see him often but heard from him lots and he did share that this guy with the Hand Realtor had come back many times, brought his sister and then his parents (who lived in Timmins) and every time, I'd say to my mother and brother - let him buy it! hahah He put in two offers, both too low. But he kept trying. And then finally, he came up a bit and my brother came down and click! He bought it and was I ever happy. My brother wouldn't tell me anything about him, not even his name. My brother is very very private with business dealings, very very cautious.
So time goes on, we move out and he takes possession. My sister and I drive by often to see what changes if any we could see. He put a big ramp in to the front door for the wheelchair but we couldn't see anything else. So the man next door, such a super nice neighbour (not all neighbours are bad hahah and his house is very close), was out one day early on and we stopped to talk with him. He tells us the guy is great and his name is Joey Well, of course I loved that! Here's the thing - the great grandfather of our Realtor - the one who built the house - his name was Joseph. Our Realtor - his name was Joe. My dad's name was Joe and now Joey owns it. How's that for a great Joe story haha. So fast forward to the other day and we find ourselves inside the renovated house getting a mini tour from Joey who is just as great as I knew he was that September in 2024 when I actually didn't know him. He was friendly and very good looking - just like a Joe should be. He does go by Joey for some reason but it suits him. He has changed the entire floor and it looks great! We were of course unexpected visitors and he's a single guy living there so it was a bit messy but it was amazing. He invited us back any time. The neighbour said he was living there alone but he has a sister in NF, parents back in Timmins so he likes visitors. He takes his dog for a 'walk' every day, twice a day, even in the snow. His wheelchair is not electric and his arms must be really strong altho he looks skinny - maybe skinny fit. He's probably in his late 30's, early 40's, hard to tell. It was so much fun meeting him, telling him the story of how I knew all along he was going to buy it and he said he did too so he was very persistent - it took 7 months. So there's a real estate story where in the end, it all worked out :) I told my mother all about the changes he made. He did keep her curtains in the front window cause he liked the colour and designed the walls to match - those curtains are 40 years old lol. He knocked out walls and rearranged the rooms to suit him. He said it was his 'forever home' - he and his sister flip homes for money and we asked if this was a flip although I already knew it wasn't :)
Happy is relative, isn't it? That's why D and I never worked on the happiness factor in our lives but rather we worked on what we truly wanted for ourselves but not in a selfish way because we considered his kids in every move we made. And we were able to be kind and real to extended family because they weren't right in our face telling us what we should or shouldn't do. So we were content in our lifes and then occasionally happiness would be there. We never compared ourselves to anyone else and I think that, in itself, is key to a better life. That's how independence is nurtured and maintained. We were not you (not you you, general you) but we can still listen, sympathize, by happy for you when it's appropriate, sad for you when it is too. But then we hang up the phone and move on with our lives. Does that sound mean? Or does that sound appropriate because we don't have all the details and the you out there is making their own choices based on their needs and wants. After a conversation, there may be some 'worry' but worry is really just thinking through issues and trying to come up with solutions. And sure it's ok to toss a few around back to the you person but only with the thought that it just might not be for them and that's ok - maybe it just gives them some 'food for thought', positive thought. Being happy is imho more about seeing the light and discarding the darkness. So it's a light feeling. It doesn't last, even for a kid. Stuff happens and the light dims. But for someone like you (you you lol) and me I think, the dimmer switch for our light is easily turned. For others, not so much - it gets stuck. J's dimmer switch must get stuck and he can't find his way to the light, the brighter side. Bright. B-right. Can you fix his dimmer switch?
I remember way way back when I first met D. He was full of angst and anxiety about the kids, work, the ex, so much. And I remember one time, I went looking for him in our house in Welland and saw him in the living room. No lights were on and he was sitting thee staring out the window at nothing. It was the first time I saw him like that and I just knew to back off, give him the time and space to 'think'. I learned along the way, he needed extra time because he was a deep thinker. I was a bit more a doer - I'd pick up a book or watch a movie instead of sitting in the dark thinking. But I came to appreciate his way of getting through his anxiety and coming out on the other end of it. After he would have his 'time to think', he would be able to talk to me. I would let him talk it thru and just listen. It was a different way of thinking then how I did and I was actually kinda fascinated by it. So I encouraged it and left him alone when he needed to be and was there to listen when he needed that. And he in turn, also listened to me, my stories and adventures. He came out of the dark and truly into the light not too long after that. It helped him see so much more clearly Btantford and how to 'handle' that. Of course, it didn't work all the time lol because of that chaos. So the last little bit was to remove the chaos that neither of us could live with. I was much like you being in that light that maybe we could say shone brighter most of the time. And I remember also sitting late at night with Carol drinking a glass of wine - everyone was asleep and she would talk. But not like D talked. She would state fact and then say a meme 'it is what it is' type thing. I couldn't connect with that so the late night talks stopped. She got nothing from them and I just couldn't understand them when confronted with the abrupt meme. D & I never talked in memes which is why we didn't like to be in group settings. It's probably why I like to write here at this point or why I've loved our Pen Pal real-ationship so much :)
I understand what you say about being a teenager. I didn't really experience that feeling you describe of the threenger I guess because we did have good solid mentors guiding us, keeping us out of the angst for the most part. I do remember feeling like I loved the thought of more freedom and couldn't wait til I could get my own as an adult. But I also remember loving being a kid in that house with all the perks - the biggest one being having parents who kept us safe and cared about us individually. I couldn't imagine being home alone at 8 years old. Or getting your own dinners with a list of chores to do. I mean, we had chores we all did of course and lots of them. A family is hard work and we pitched in always. But to be home alone - no wonder they made a movie out of that as a precursor to all the single mothers that would be out there having to work. What a plan! And it all started with with the plan for the elites to make more money - get those women out there working and paying income tax! How do we do that? Well, by encouraging them to be like a man. Fast forward to today and woman have man power and can now literally (well, not really) be a man and vice versa. Master plan complete. That side of your mom you see in yourself, there's a bit of that in there. The take charge side. The control side. She set out very young trying to take control of her life. She decided at one point that she wanted children and chose a man who would be appropriate for that task. When that was complete, she moved on from him. Honestly, he was totally blindsided. He had no idea he was just part of her plan. But he found himself without any control because she had it all. There was no balance. And seriously, for real, he had no say in anything after. None. I described her as a lioness and I think that's pretty accurate. She considered you girls her own and no one, not even the father that made you had a say in anything. She has softened up over the years of course and your teenage rebellion actually made that happen. She came out of herself a bit during that time. Maybe realizing that control was gone. Ed's only human and maybe he did have some resentment towards your behaviour at the time and maybe your mom used that as an excuse why she left. But, I would definitely encourage you to not put any blame on your dad for lack of contact when you were younger. He literally had no choice and I'm glad he moved on with his life the way he did. I can only imagine his turmoil right after and we know of his attempts to make things fair but the lioness was having none of it. I know you probably think, well as a parent I would try harder but honestly, he did, he really did but he gave in for peace if nothing else. Not only was she a fierce lioness, but at the time, the woman, the separated single moms had all the power, all the sympathy - they were rising up. The single dads had none, zero, zilch. She's not a monster by any means. She's a product of her environment and the environment that was created around the elite's master plan. And so it makes us wonder, are we that too? D often did allow those thoughts and then would be able to check himself and get real inside himself. And in turn help me get real.
Like buying our little house in Vtown. We bought what we could afford in cash and was it perfect? hahah absolutely not. Did we have some work to do on it? For sure. Did we know how to do that work? No, no we didn't. It wasn't a showcase house like some seem to need to have. It was in a small town that we knew very little about. But we dug in, learned how to make some changes in the house, had the extra $ to hire people to help us and very slowly got to know the town and the people. We learned who to avoid and that's just life everywhere. Like me living here in the Penthouse - with close neighbours who I share the elevator and the parking lot with. That was a huge change and I've learned about some of the people here but I keep to myself for the most part and present a friendly face to those I encounter.
Like you with the kids, I have the sister here. Now she's different hahah she has needs I don't have. She comes for the weekend with all her stuff, loaded down. Her car is overflowing with 'stuff' - you know, stuff she might need. It's a huge thing when she comes and even huger, like two trips down, when she leaves. Even tho she has a nice bedroom she can use for for 'stuff'. Her purse is overflowing with more stuff she might need. She loses her keys, she forgets her phone cord With all the snow, the parking lot is not good. Her spot filled up with snow and they only remove it like around the cars. So she's out there and sees a guy with a vest on and he's shovelling out a spot. She rolls her window down and says 'when you're done there, can you do this one?'. He looks at her and says' 'well, this is my spot that I'm clearing'. whoops, she has used her government management tone with him. But he actually does help her and shovels out car tracks for her to get her car in. She laughs about it but I cringe a little, ok a lot, cause I know he lives just down the hall here and he's a really nice guy. She thought he was just some worker guy. I can't control her and I don't even try. Although I don't laugh with her as she's telling the story. And she can probably see from my face what I really feel. She'll call my mother and say I'll be there after lunch and gets there at 3- meanwhile leaving my mother hanging in her room waiting. She slept in til 12:30 one day - I couldn't believe it. I'm up so early and kinda need her help but she still feels like she's on a holiday here and sleeping in til 12:30 is, you know, normal. So helpful? Or just kinda in the way ..... well, at least I've had some pretty good conversations with her recently so there is that. The other sister is opposite - when she says she'll be there, she's there. She's a total listener although much more emotional. But she's great when it comes to helping out with my mom - she takes a lot on. So I'm looking forward to her coming back from their vacation but not really looking forward to telling her about my situation - but I know I have to.
I think your mom using Extremist to describe you hits home for herself in a big way. When she hears you make announcements about carpet (lol) or about where you would move your family to, she thinks of herself making her announcements. I notice you use 'I' a lot when talking about moving or things around the house - like, for eg. I am going to buy J an atv. Or I think, I believe - now, that could be just in the writing instead of using we think etc but sometimes it strikes me as much more like your mom's way than maybe you realize. Are you a little lioness? I say little meaning not nearly like the main one, the big one lol. And also in the sense that you think things through much much more than she did. You can go further than she ever could which is why maybe your life decisions are working better for you. But there is that part that is like her and maybe that is a lot of the ego that D talked a lot about. He cherished our relationship because we could be a 'we' and he didn't have to be an 'I'. He could let down his ego, think a different way if I needed him too. For example, when we did move north, I was terrified of the winter driving that I thought we would have to do back and forth to Pembroke for one, NF for another. So I made it clear to my family, no winter driving for visits and they were ok with that. But then there was Pembroke which I had no control over. I shared with you his first trip out back down there which I said no to and he turned around and accepted the fact that it wasn't going to happen there either. He let go of the ego part of his thought that he had to make that trip and instead adjusted it to talking on the phone, emailing and texting, and buying property there to spend more time in the summer and even arranging a winter there in a rental. All part of him taming down his ego thoughts. And you know what, we all benefited. Pembroke actually got more out of him with the adjustment and came to understand the no winter visits. They would even say things like 'dad we don't want you to put your life at risk for a visit, we're good'. And life went on. They developed theirs and we did ours and would come together when it suited us both - a win-win!. It was never perfect f of course but it was definitely more real for everyone. My anxiety about winter driving up there - gone. His anxiety about being a dad everyone thought he should be - gone. And we made the adjustments. And that's when he really started talking about ego and watching videos describing why it might be important to lessen them in this world. He was still in charge even without the ego interference and he felt good, better, like that Real Man :) And I watched him make lots of mistakes with the little house and the little house next door too. And I watched him figure out how to deal with the property, an old camper, a generator and a big dog. We were in it together and the 'I' never came into it. Instead it was 'we should do this' or 'what do we think' even if it was him that went out and bought the atv himself lol. He said 'we've got a new atv' :) And he loved saying that - it was important to him. And in turn, I loved saying it too 'we changed our diet', 'we cleaned out the house next door' etc etc. The little things and the big things :) And in that little house, he felt like a Real Man and I felt like a Real Woman - he showed me his strengths and weaknesses and I showed him mine and we worked together on them both. What I would call The Balance. (Are these things like memes? The Realness, The Balance etc hahaha I hope not).
Part of my stress in the pat 6 years, of course, has been that it is just I now, there is no we. But thanks to you, I feel like the we is still there, just not visible. You often let me know you know he's watching out, even through you. And I love that so thank you for making that happen for me. And I know, in the search for the right home for you guys, for example, it's a 'we' situation. You both are on the same page with the choices. Maybe the Sarnia thing threw you for a loop but does he really think that's best? I doubt it. And may be his extreme way of trying to solve his anxiety about the driving. So really there's only two choices - stay and drive or move and potentially have nieghbours and a higher mortgage. Maybe part of you could change in thinking about the neighbours - just throwing that out there. It's not so bad - people are more like you than maybe we think they are. And those uncontrollable times (like with the sister here), that's not me, that's her. And I'm not looking for others to fill in my time with neighbour talk. Just a quickie about that - when I first bought a house in Welland, I was on my own and bought it in what would be called a not great neighbourhood but the price fit my budget and it was close to work. The houses were very close together and lots of kids so mom's would be outside and they had block parties and gatherings and knew each other. I got to know the one neighbour first next door - she ran a little daycare so she was pretty busy but would take a bit of time to talk. I was very busy at the time too - working and going out and going away a lot. So it was just surface convo and I could escape it pretty easily if I wanted to. I did end up going to one of the block parties and actually loved it. I met a few more people that were actually pretty interesting. But still we were all busy in our lifes, or at least I was cause I went to Collingwood or Toronto or the cottage almost every weekend. But it turned into pleasant waves hello. And then the guy moved in and we started also going to the hobby farm and then his son moved in. With a 12 year old, we did get to know the neighbours a bit more cause he was outside getting to know the kids. But even so, we kept a bit of a distance and so did they. It just worked. Maybe cause we presented ourselves like we were a bit private and they respected that. So we could always be just friendly and helpful if necessary - like the time the dog ran out or the car wouldn't start. Super close houses. Not a great neighbourhood - like nothing I had ever lived in before but in the end, it worked and I enjoyed it. I moved on eventually after the farm guy and his son left and bought a semi in a different area - loved that too. Never heard or got to know the attached neighbours - didn't even know what they looked like haha. Loved that place - that's the house D moved in to and then we moved on to St. Catharines. I get your thoughts and feelings about neighbours, especially down and outer ones or partiers and maybe it's a different time now but I do wonder if deep down, we're all human, in this together and there are some very good people who just never figured out how to make money or get the big mortgages. I do know, on the other hand, the ones that do know can be huge assholes and big time drinkers and partiers on an even larger scale and that their teenagers go whacko on a huge scale too, so there's that....food for thought.
Are you an extremist? And should you care? Maybe when it comes to your inner circle. However, I wouldn't use that term to describe you. I have used the Black & White thinking - it's either one way or another but at the same time, yes I do think you can change your mind or leave a conversation open to agreeing or disagreeing. And I don't think there's a word that describes that. Like, I believe if J were to say to you .... hey K I really think a piece of carpet is a good idea here and here's why. You would be open to listening and maybe even changing your mind on it. But with your mom, yes sometimes we reflect their behaviours back on them and you become that extremist that literally she is. Does that make any sense? Just like J's defenses literally go up in the form of anxiety when he's around his dad - it's a reflection but it's an opposite one. And he can calm it down by just not addressing his dad's behaviour so goes along to get along. Then later, the anxiety hits cause he knows, he probably shouldn't just do that and could it be harming others around him. Before it was just his mom now it's all of you. Family dynamics are so intrical which is why there's so much money to be had in therapy. The Therapist .... The rapist = getting into our heads and changing our thoughts. Maybe all it takes is to get away from it in our heads and to not have to address it on a regular basis. Cleaving.
Ok I"m done for today hahaha. It's lightly snowing out there but not enough to interfere with the roads and hope the same in your area. It does sometimes feel like the never ending winter but it will end .... the storms always pass (I like ending my huge long writings with that now lol).
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This is an extra note added later. I just wanted to tell you what's going on in NF. and around here, Children in 'good' neighbourhoods are getting abused by predators. Predators that maybe were once good people but the drugs have turned them or something has and now they are pedos. And they live next door or down the street from the children they target. When they get caught, they are let right back out because the system can't handle too many more. And they go right back to the nice neighbourhoods, maybe it's mom and dad's house, maybe the wife lets them back in. So there's a group now and they are getting bigger. They go after these pedos that are moving back in to the nice houses on nice streets in NF, in Welland, in Port Colborne. And they put up as many posters around that neightbour as they can - Pedo lives here, Protect Your Children. I've seen them and I've seen the posters and I know the neighbourhoods. They go on FB and film themselves doing it and make sure everyone can see the neighbourhood without having to name it. And it's extensive, there are so many. One of them was right near the nice big house we grew up in, right around the corner. So I know this is NF and not Stratford or not elsewhere but it is all over. FB has taken the posts down numerous times of course, but they find a way to get them out again. This started a couple of years ago when a pedo broke into the house next door and thoroughly ruined a 2 year old. She was in the hospital for a long time and may never recover. He was arrested and let out shortly after and went right back to that home, it was his mother's. So this group started standing outside the house with signs. They didn't say anything - they just let the signs and their numbers speak for them. The mother complained but she got nowhere. The group realized how often this is happening so now it's pretty much every weekend, they are out at a different house, in a different neighbourhood with their signs and their strength in numbers. They don't yell or talk at all so it's not really a protest and they stay off people's property so can't be told to leave.
At the same time, there's a hotel close to Main & Ferry that's a known human trafficking hub. This group has also stood outside with their signs. But it doesn't appear to be making a difference. Here's the thing - human trafficking is highly lucrative. A trafficker can make money over and over again with the person trafficked. A drug dealer is a one time thing so it's shifting over to human trafficking cha ching for the bad guys. And they are horrible bad guys, most who were not born here .... and not vetted when they came in.
This came from their site recently: 'Niagara has shown me one undeniable truth: the people here have zero tolerance for anyone who preys on the most vulnerable especially children.
We stand united against this evil, and we’ve already begun walking that path together.Even in the dead of winter, with temperatures plunging to minus 30, dedicated community members are sacrificing their days off and weekends to show up and take action. When warmer weather arrives, this movement will grow exponentially.
The effort is relentless, unending, and mentally draining but we are not complaining. We are calling for every able hand to join us in eradicating child predators from our communities once and for all.
For far too long, the system has lost its way, showing more empathy toward predators than toward the children they harm. In Niagara, recent reports from the Niagara Regional Police highlight a staggering 700% increase in identified human trafficking victims from 2023 to 2024 with many cases involving minors under 18. This surge reflects greater awareness and proactive investigations, but it also underscores how deeply entrenched the problem has become.
Trust in institutions has eroded. It’s clear that we the people must step up to protect our children when the systems fail them. Labels like “far-right,” “bigots,” “violent,” or “Nazis” have been thrown at us in attempts to discredit and divide. Yet we set politics aside entirely. Our focus remains singular: the safety and well-being of children.
This is no game or fleeting trend. We are committed to real, lasting change in Niagara. If you harm a child, know that you will face consequences not from a broken system, but from a united community that refuses to look away.
We are the consequence. Join us. All hands on deck our kids are counting on it.'
Not trying to make your anxiety levels rise up, by any means. But this is the reality of the world we now live in. And the former safety net of 'good neighbourhoods', well, that is a thing of the past. Also, have you heard about the recent police problem in Ontario? The 7 cops that were arrested in T.O. Now they are investigating several police forces for corruption throughout Ontario - Stratford is on that list. So is Niagara. Also Sarnia.....
'Proud p3dx senior Victoria Police officer jailed for child abuse offences. He sent images with captions including “age is just a number enjoy child sex” and “embrace pedophilia. bald is better”, and previously described himself in another group chat as a “proud pedo”. Hawley pleaded guilty to seven charges in February last year, and the court was shown a message he sent to another paedophile saying: “I can’t wait for my boys to have their own, hope they have girls” “We should go into business, open up a pedo child minding company,” he said in another message. Former senior constable Aaron Hawley, 51, who worked as a cop for 11 years, appeared in the County Court in Melbourne on Friday after pleading guilty to possessing, soliciting, producing and transmitting almost 20,000 videos and images.'
DURHAM, ONTARIO - Six males have been charged after the completion of a human trafficking investigation in Durham Region.
Members of the Durham Regional Police Service Human Trafficking Unit (HTU) launched an ongoing initiative, dubbed Project Firebird, to combat the purchase of sexual services from minors in Durham Region.
The project focuses on person(s) interested and willing to purchase sexual services from persons under 18 years of age. It also educates and supports victims and potential victims of these crimes and addresses concerns raised by our community members.
In January 2026, Project Firebird saw multiple individuals arrange meetings for sexual services with minors, despite the suspects being fully aware that they were communicating with minors.
Six males were taken into custody without incident and 19 charges were laid. All were released on an undertaking.
A nice neightbourhood in NF
A nice daycare in a good section of town, just down the sreet from some $1m homes
From their site:
“We Rise as Watchmen”
We are not gathered here in fear—
we are gathered in purpose.
Yes, some of us know the darkness.
Yes, some of us carry chapters
we did not write.
But today, we stand as living proof
that pain does not get the final word.
“The light shines in the darkness,
and the darkness has not overcome it.”
(John 1:5)
We are that light.
Once, our voices were quieted.
Once, innocence was interrupted.
But hear this—
what was meant to break us
has trained us to protect others.
The Bible calls this redemption.
“He restores my soul.”
(Psalm 23:3)
Restored souls do not hide—
they build.
They build awareness.
They build courage.
They build safe places
where children are believed,
heard,
and defended.
Jesus said,
“Let the little children come to me,
and do not hinder them.”
(Matthew 19:14)
So we remove every barrier—
silence, shame, disbelief, delay.
We choose action.
We choose growth.
We choose to no longer identify ourselves
by what happened to us—
but by what we are doing because we survived it.
We are watchmen now.
“I have set watchmen on your walls…
they will never be silent.”
(Isaiah 62:6)
Watchmen don’t shout in panic—
they speak with clarity.
They don’t spread fear—
they spread vision.
A vision where children are safe.
Where systems are accountable.
Where predators find no shadows to hide in.
“Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness,
but rather expose them.”
(Ephesians 5:11)
Exposure is not bitterness—
it is love in action.
And listen—
we do this without hatred,
without vengeance,
without losing our humanity.
Because “perfect love casts out fear.”
(1 John 4:18)
Fear kept this issue hidden.
Love brings it into the open.
We are not broken people shouting warnings—
we are healed people sounding the alarm.
We are growing.
We are leading.
We are standing in the gap.
“Who shall I send?”
And we answered,
“Here I am. Send me.”
(Isaiah 6:8)
This is our calling.
This is our moment.
This is our watch.
And the children—
the children will be safer
because we chose to rise.
Amen.
Hey Hi - just a quickie cause I was on realtor.ca and wondered about a couple of these houses and what would not be right for you on them. Just curious :) I especially like that first one....
For sale: 29 DUNSFORD CRESCENT, St. Marys, Ontario N4X1A5 - X12492386 | REALTOR.ca
For sale: 86 PARKHAVEN CRESCENT, St. Marys, Ontario N4X1E7 - X12544780 | REALTOR.ca
A
Hey Hi,
It's early Wednesday morning now. I had a whole big huge thing typed up and then it disappeared. Maybe I said too much in it and D up there said no haha. I'll start again ....
I did start out by saying I hope you don't mind me writing again. I hope you are not Overwhelmed K but totally understand that you must be. There's so much going on in your life right now. I hope you have a little bit of that precious time to sort through some it.
When you've known someone their (almost) whole life, it's not hard to see why they are as they are 30 plus years later. I've had the pleasure of knowing you and I've had the gift of Time to observe and to understand. The other gift I was given was the ability to listen and not just listen to respond, but to really hear what someone is saying between the words they feel they have to say. D had the gift of clearly telling the truth about life. He told me everything about his childhood that he remembered.
He was about 5 years old standing at the end of the driveway watching his father drive away for the last time. He didn't completely understand but he knew and had experienced the complete chaos inside that home. He never felt safe. And they moved a lot. He had to endear many different schools, all filled with bullies that as a boy he had to prove to them that he was tough and he could take it. He didn't have a good male role model in his life to help him. His father made it clear he didn't really like him. His stepfather made that very clear by being physical and mean. But D kept going. At a very young age, he knew what his mother was made of. He loved her, but he didn't respect her. He saw her for what she truly was. She didn't protect him and obviously she didn't protect your mom either. She didn't have the the skillset to do that. She should never have moved into Jim's house and allowed him free access to her children. She saw the abuse and she never did anything to stop it. So both your mom and D made their escape. They both would come back as adults on these weird visits and then would leave again. Eventually D stopped altogether. He just couldn't put himself into that darkness any longer. Your mom kept going. She couldn't make that big change to literally get away from that chaos and proceed with her own life.
I clearly see that she wanted different for you girls but because she kept going back to Brantford, it was all mixed in with her past and it just didn't work. It made more chaos for her. She chose the drink to help her through. But because of the turmoil they experienced as children, she could never allow true love in. She must have been so fearful of being like her own mother and settling for chaos that she would escape the relationships whether they were good or bad. Your dad loved her and he loved his little family. I can still see you guys so cute and such a good looking family at the few visits. And then the shock of the split. At that time, I didn't understand the whole thing but over the years of hearing from D the entire story and of listening to the endless arguing and poking fun at everyone, it was clear. The poking fun at - you know, those things hurt a person. Carol would say something almost under her breath about your mother thinking she was being funny but I couldn't laugh with her because they were like daggers. My brother in law does the same thing to me now and they feel like daggers, they hurt because they are really the truth of what they see but they think they are coating it in humour.
Years and years of a childhood literally in chaos caused by the adults and then years and years of subjecting one's self to it often, can drain a soul. Your mother's soul has been drained. D escaped for real. He got out and never went back. It took time tho. He first escaped to Florida, then in the military, then in a loveless marriage. The real escape and the final one was because he had my full support. I could see with real eyes how the chaos never stopped in that house and how it would take a very strong person to say no, I'm not coming back. When I think of Carol laughing in D's face when he would talk about his worldview, I still get angry for him and at her. And I'm so so so glad that D did do the escape, the final one. Not only in his mind but in his life. Your mom never did. She wouldn't or couldn't and it's too bad. There are what if's in life but rarely do we want to go down that road. It's too hard and well, the past can't be changed. But what can be changed is how we think of it.
My dad was very strict with us. He was the boss of the house. He didn't want to be our friend. He wanted to be our father. Same with my mother but not to the extent my dad did I think. He didn't want us to sleep over at anyone's house. He would lecture us on eating out and foods like egg salad sandwiches were out. He insisted on curfews even for my brother. He insisted on everyone going on the family trips and to the cottage. He insisted on family dinners every night. And in return, it seemed, he gave us so much back. And to this day, I appreciate his lectures, his care of us, his rules he laid down. He wasn't demonstrative but we knew without a doubt that he loved us - my mom would tell us all the time lol and we just knew we were taken care of and we were safe. We also knew they had a life and we loved to see that. They had a ton of friends, they played Bridge and went on holidays with them and without us. They had a standing Friday night thing and when we were teenagers, it was like a free for all - we could eat chips! We could turn up the music in the living room to full volume! We could do anything!! haha which wasn't much but it was our little sense of freedom but always in the back of our minds, the whole time growing up was his rules, his lectures so we proceeded with lots of care too. Lots and lots of ups and downs for sure but we got through it all. Of course during all that time, we had extended family - grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins etc. But my parents rarely relied on them for any kind of help. When my sister was born, I was a baby and went to live with my grandparents in Hamilton for 3 months cause my mother was in the hospital with her and my dad had just started his job at the hospital. After that, we only had visits where we would drive to Hamilton as a family on a Sunday maybe once a month. My dad had bought himself a TR6 sports car, super small but super cool and we would all cram in there. I had to sit on the hump in the back between my sister and brother. My younger sister would be in the front sitting on my mother's lap with the dog at her feet. My dad would smoke cigars and we loved those drives to Hamilton. We would visit for the afternoon in their tiny little house up on the mountain and explore the basement and the backyard. We'd be allowed to play with my grandmother's jewelry which she had a lot of - she loved the bling too :) We would have pleasant visits with no chaos, no turmoil.. Any problems my parents had were not discussed with them because they had their own lifes and our purpose was to delight them with our presence haha. They were my dad's parents and he was an only child but they never made him feel like he was there in life to fulfil theirs. Only to once in a while enhance it. My mom's parents were in Ottawa so fun visits there too and they would come to our house for a week visit. And also the same. They were so much fun and we loved going there as a family and staying in their house and having them at ours. No doubt my mom would have private conversations with her mom about us but nothing that was overwhelming to either one. It was typical of that generation and above to work through their issues silently. My parents were the silent generation and the generation of my grandparents were even more so - they are called the Lost generation because of living thru the wars. But imho, they weren't lost at all. And my parents weren't for the most part silent. When it came to private matters, maybe. My mom says they didn't talk about illness and she doesn't know how some of her relatives died. They would just get sick and then they were gone.
It's a whole different world now of course. Technology is in the forefront. We are no longer silent. The baby boomers took care of that lol. And it has caused so much chaos. More than my brain can stand lol. I saw the chaos early on in D's family. But I also saw the bright stars, like you. D & I would talk about your generation's future and what it would be like. We actually had fear for you and for his kids, knowing that you were also growing up in chaos. Maybe of a different kind than he did of course. Much more subtle. And clearly your mom was trying her best to alleviate that chaos but by keeping that relationship going, it was impossible and she would just get more frustrated and make decisions out of that frustration. D did too until he stopped it. And when he got himself out of the chaos, the anger, away from those that made fun of him, then he grew even further into what I would call a Real Man. It took a long time and a lot of support from me. We would go to my parent's house, to the cottage, for dinners out, to my sister's etc and he would see the outcome of how we grew up. He would have long talks with my dad and my mom separately and he could see the care they had, the truth they lived and that's what he wanted for himself. He knew he couldn't get that for his family in Brantford because they had stopped growing and refused to open their minds to reality. With the exception of you. And he tried to open you up to some other realities as I mentioned - his worldview and you didn't laugh at him. And you were able to 'get yourself out of your own head' and see different realities.
To bring this back to the present, I have always encouraged you to do what's right for your family. Not your extended family. And not in a cruel way at all. But in a way that you need to do for yourselves. It's your life in the 2020's. The extended family has been through theirs and they shouldn't be clinging to yours frankly. If they had got themselves out of their head long ago, they would be enjoying their old(er) age now. And they wouldn't be trying to live through yours. And then, in return, you wouldn't have the extra burden of having those tentacles to consider. Maybe just vaguely as in, it would be nice if they were close enough for a visit. A pleasant visit over good food and nice conversation. Isn't that what grandparents are for? So that the little ones can love them but not think they need to rely on them. So they can enjoy them and hear about old times. You know we loved to question my grandmother when she was in her 90's about what life was like when she first saw a horseless carriage lol or growing up on a farm and moving to the big city. She would tell the stories knowing that we would never be living thru experiences like that but we would have our own that she really didn't know much about so had no skin in the game so to speak. So we could listen to the stories with fascination. And she could tell them with pride. And then we would all move on to our own lifes. Her to life as an elderly person in a nursing home. Us to our jobs with computers and fast paced parties and events. There was a connection but it wasn't because we were telling each other how they should live their lives. So it worked.
I always felt like the parent's job was intense when the kids were growing up. They had the big job of leading them into adulthood. Of teaching them all about life and how to move forward productively, kindly and how to have a good life ahead. How to overcome struggles and challenges. And how to be a good person. And then when they leave home, their parent's job is supposed to change. Now they should be supportive, to listen and to send the questions back - how do you think you should overcome this challenge? What's the best thing for you? And then both go on with their lives. Because honestly, with each generation, there are vast differences in how to do life, don't you think? Technology is here to stay and obviously to get even more invasive in the lives of the young growing up now. And you parents have that huge challenge. What would someone my age know about all that and how to maneuverer through all that? And money challenges - seriously what would we know about having to sign a 1/2 million dollar mortgage? We can clearly see the incomes don't match with the debt your generation has to take on. In our time, it was ok and we are still ok in our retirement. What advice can we possibly give to you on that subject? Suck it up? haha I could equate it to my dad buying a sports car when he had 4 kids - what would his parents have said about that had he asked? LOL I can only guess - they of course would have been silent and silently shocked.
That was certainly something D & I talked about on our drives out of Brantford. How Carol's generational thinking just didn't cut it with what we were faced with. But we weren't confused about it. Instead, we forged on and honestly didn't give much thought to what they thought about it all. It was a different time. A different generation. Same with my parents. We didn't have the same lifes as adults, well, I sure didn't. So again we forged on in our own way and it was good.
And you know, one of the biggest differences I noticed was when I would send everyone my Northern Exposure videos, I'd get two responses back. Carol would say 'when are you coming for a visit?'. My mom's response would be 'it looks like you're enjoying the northern life'. Which response do think gave me the most pleasure? :) :)
I know you're faced with some big decisions coming up. I hope you can see that there's literally no rush to make them right now. That winter is easing up for the driving. And if that is the case, J's anxiety on it would be for December, January and some of February but also not every time. So balancing that out with making a move to Sarnia or even to Stratford, what about that? 2 1/2 months of every so often staying in a motel in Stratford to avoid a bad drive home compared to the other two options. I mean, I totally get the thought of moving to Stratford. And again, I'd wonder about the thought of starting out there with a more affordable home - is that even doable? I get your thoughts on the neighbourhoods and on the schools I really do. But I also wonder if easing up on that a bit would open up an opportunity that actually does fit that you just don't see yet. Just a thought. btw, re the weather - I know they can't really forecast this far out with any kind of accuracy, but it shows the temps going up to over 50 degrees next Wednesday. Up and down with snow sometimes and rain sometimes but .... could this winter of discontent weather-wise really be over for us???
I hope you are Whatever You Are K today :) Peaks and valleys. In the valleys, sometimes more truth comes out so let it flow! And it makes the peaks so much better, so rewarding and fulfilling :) :)
❤️❤️❤️❤️🙏❤️❤️❤️❤️
Hey Hi,
It's now Tuesday afternoon and I just wanted to add a bit more and maybe go further in-depth about your mom.
I know you are Exhausted K right now, not only physically but mentally. I hope you can give yourself a much needed break somehow from the swirling thoughts. Just like the swirling snow, once in a while, it calms down and takes a break before ramping back up again. And like when Spring comes, the swirling settles for a long time. This I hope for you.
You know, when I first met your mom, I was terrified of her lol. She was so strong and so strong willed. She said things like they were final, there was no leeway. I know when I say things, there's always lots of leeway, room to converse back, room to disagree or agree. Not so with her. She would argue so strenuously with her mother and I thought that very odd. Because it was usually about you girls and I couldn't figure out at first why she wouldn't agree with her mom who already raised a family so she should know a thing or two, right? Well, after some time and after understanding better what that house was like back when they were growing up, I understood a lot more about your mom. She didn't want her girls to have the same life she had. We suspect she went thru some awful things that have never been voiced so we can only speculate there but things like that change a person, they change a child's thinking. I know we've sorta talked about this before and I know you understand that whole part of it.
She was fiercely protective of you girls to the point where even your dad had no say in anything. It wasn't his idea to not spend the time with you. He literally had no choice against the fierce mother lioness. None of us did. And if one of us stepped out of line in something we said or suggested, haha we'd get growled at, seriously. That would include your dad and Carol. Marnie never went down that road, she was way too sensitive to even try. But D tried and I tried and Carol kept trying, I'll give her that! It never worked with Carol but it sometimes would with D or me even but only up to a point. Boy we were brave back then haha. She would share some of the situations she was getting herself into and D would try to steer her another way in a brotherly way but it really never worked. And when her lioness paw came out too many times, he gave up much like your dad did, Ed did, and I did. At the same time, we knew you guys were loved and for the most part, safe. Of course, only Carol would bring the subject up in front of others, we never discussed it with anyone. It was almost like an unspoken thing in the family. You girls were very unaware cause you were just children, so young and happy. Well, you anyway lol. You were happy and curious. When you would ask questions, we would be allowed to answer but she was always around just to be sure we properly answered them.
When you were teenagers, she felt like she lost the fight. This was when you were living at Ed's and as she would say, you were out of control. Doing all the bad things and she couldn't control you both any longer. She didn't understand that the fighting she did with everyone around backfired on her to the point where you lost respect for her. Maybe you agreed with the others. That was really hard on her to not have the absolute control she had previously. I think it threw her for a huge loop to realize it. And at the same time, did she ever love Ed? Or did she move you all in there for the security Ed and his house provided. And if so, why did it backfire on her? Cause it wasn't real, imho. We all thought, this will never last and it was no surprise when it did end. And we knew it had nothing to do with your behaviour. It's cause it simply was not real and Ed couldn't take it any longer. He wanted real love and he found it. Then you guys moved out. Oh maybe I shouldn't say that - I might delete that lol. Ed was smitten with your mom but he was not stupid. He saw right thru her eventually. They would fight, not about you girls cause he didn't feel that was his right, but about their relationship and her lack of love for him. She couldn't fake it. She never could And she would say things like 'take it or leave it' to her men and eventually they couldn't take it and would leave. She knew she could get the man hooked but never could figure out how to keep him because compromising certainly wasn't one of her strong points and that real love eluded her. She went looking for the wrong things in partners. I had never witnessed a relationship like they had during the 'good times'. She would be all over him one second and coldly putting him in his place the next. The love part was as real as Carol and Jim lol. Maybe she thought if mom can do it, so can I. But Carol allowed Jim access to punishing (and more) her children. Your mom didn't. And your mom couldn't see clearly how either way doesn't work without true love.
After Ed was over, your mom and I would have super long text conversations. I felt bad for her because she felt lost. She felt that control had slipped away and that you girls were just not doing the right things. And why couldn't she get you girls to do the right things? That was her unanswerable question, time and time again. Nothing I would say would help but I hoped I helped just by letting her get it out. She never admitted to what happened with Ed. She only vented about you girls. And then, she was back and forth with Smitty and that just was not a good scene at all. D stayed completely clear of that cause he knew Smitty and he knew them together and what a mess. She almost made a really bed decision there but must have checked herself and didn't do it. But she would show up to family parties in a bad way and we were witness to all three of you going a little crazy haha (no offense there to you of course). But D noticed and that would have been around the time you and he were emailing a lot and he truly thought you would be better off out on your own, away from all that. He felt you had the common sense maybe other's did not have. He could see in you something special. In reading thru some of those emails recently, he even said to you to move out, get a job and get on with your life when everyone else was saying go to school. Your mother even had that RESP going thinking that would make you go to school. You must have been very confused at the time with so many differing types of advice. Maybe like now. Of course everyone's going to have a different point of view according to their own wishes usually. D & I were up north by the time he was writing to you and we didn't have a dog in this fight. We were free, it felt, to share some realities about life and maybe a bit about your life in particular.
Your emails back to him were all one big long run on sentence hahah but they made complete sense. We could tell where your head was at and we knew why. D could respond without having to name names so to speak but in a more general sense and get you steered towards the 'truth' - getting yourself out of your own head you could say. Typical for a teenager to only think of themselves - that's what teenagers do if they are allowed. Or if they don't have a strong mentor to follow. An older one who has been thru stuff, not one of their friends. Lo never, to this day, got out of her own head. You did. You started thinking about the world and how it's ran. We knew from your thoughts and questions back that you weren't faking it. You were truly digging in and interested. That got you out of your head, not completely cause nothing ever does but I think it got you on a track. And a track that has served you well. Leading to your true love and raising your girls up, wanting to be independent and strong. But also flexible and empathetic and able to continue to learn new things.
Many people we know shut down at a certain age and don't go any further in life. That's not you. You may feel stuck now but there is so much ahead of you. Difficult choices to make for sure, right now. But I'd emphasize again, that you've got time, precious time to think and talk them through. You already know what your mother will say. You know what J's parents will say. So it's between you and J, this talk, these choices. Because you know what's best for you and your little family. Keeping it simple will calm your brain. It will stop the swirl long enough for you to have a breather. You need one, my friend. You need a big breather. You don't need to worry about me. I'm good. I'm ok. I could last for a while and you know me, I've got lots to say and I'll keep saying it!! :)
And you know, C is lovely, she's talented and she's interested in learning. She's ok too. Some decisions may affect her, like a move but she's also resilient and will go with the flow and make it work wherever she lands. F is so young, so it's the perfect time if any changes have to be made in her life. And B will be. B may have a harder time with a change even now but she will also adjust and she will thrive regardless of all the outside support she's going to get or not get. She has her family for that. My sister has a friend who has a DS girl. Well, I say girl but she's in her 40's now. I told you long ago about my sister going to visit them and Laurel was running around nude. The mom just laughed and said Laurel we have company and you know you shouldn't be doing that. Laurel laughed and got dressed. She's been at home with her parents her whole life There was no help, no school for her - they didn't have DS kids in schools back then. But guess what.... she thrived, she lives fine, she's happy and her parents are too. Did they have tough times? Absolutely. They had two other girls too who have grown up and have families of their own now and of course love Laurel and will take care of her if the parents can't. That's just one story of course. But all the help and support that we all think will so help now, maybe it's not as necessary as we think and that the child will grow and learn regardless. In their time. They have their own timeline. And can you picture yourself as a 50 year old, B is in her 20's (if my math is right lol) and she has figured lots out by then so it flips around to a different relationship. No fighting to get her to do the normal things people do - she can do it now. And she gives just lots of love back. And you laugh and she laughs at her antics. And C comes home and she laughs and she praises everyone for the way you are. And F comes home to her childhood best friend and hugs her and loves her more and everyone laughs. And then maybe sings something too :) :) Will it be perfect? What ever is? Life is not perfect. It is hard and it is challenging. And just when we think we can't take it anymore, something good happens. Even if it just a laugh between friends.
I have more to write to you (you don't say? haha) but will leave it at this because your bath is getting cold lol. But don't take on more than what is present is front of you. Toss around the future but it's not solid. What's in front of you is. That's reality. One of the realities you face is J's anxiety and his job. Oh that's two actually. Can you help 'fix' his anxiety? Yes you can in small ways by making life easier for him when he's home. Can you change/fix his job? No you can't. That's something you both have to deal with and figure out. Can you be more flexible when it comes to looking at less expensive homes in Stratford? At least to start? Gotta start somewhere right? It doesn't have to be at the top cause then there's nothing to work towards. Will J spend a night in a motel instead of driving in what remains of this winter snow storms? Keeping in mind that the storm always passes. And this big one for you will too, I promise. ❤️❤️🙏❤️
Hey Hi on this Tuesday morning.
I completely understand and agree with you. Ok that's a good way to start out an email. I agree 100%. On what, you ask?
Well, first on your mini NF holiday. I know how much you and J love the NF adventures. It sounded awesome! Love the road trip and your tidbits of info :) And to be perfectly honest, I might have put you off on a visit if you had called. The reason being I need an escape route at this time. I don't put myself into positions of not being able to take off when I feel weird. At EF I can leave whenever I need to so it's easy. You are 100% right in your description of a 'fake' visit here and I would have no escape. So I appreciate you telling me about your fun mini holiday and please, never worry about having to do an obligatory visit with me. I don't believe in obligations as you know. I believe in paying it forward You paid it forward, you always pay it forward and presently, the best way, maybe for both of us, is right here in writing. Because we can express ourselves clearly, we can think thru what we're writing down and we can take the time to describe how we're feeling without interruption. So thank you. And there are times when I feel like I burden you with this whole trip I'm going through. And I think that through and I realize that ya maybe it's hard for you to read through some of it and with your kindness and empathetic nature, it might contribute to your sadness. I do think about that. That's reality. But I want you to know, throughout it all, I'm ok. Either way, I'm ok. I do have my what the F moments for sure but I don't dwell in my disasters and the last thing I want is for someone else to on my behalf. I really am ok and I really do want this journey to be inspiring to others. Helpful to others. I hope you understand what I'm trying to say here. You've got so much on your plate, let's break it down ....
Moving or not moving. That's huge. From what I hear, you've got three options - stay, move to Stratford with a big mortgage, move to Sarnia for a smaller mortgage. Staying where you are now - I hear that means tough winter drives for J and no family support for you. You love the house, the town, the school but there's two biggies that hang over you both. We're in mid Feb almost already so the house would have to be sold in order to make any move and winter will basically be done by then. So the winter drive will not change so a move would be for next winter. Which means you do have some time to really think it all through. Moving back to Sarnia, ya that would be a tough one and I think that's on the table so that you have J's parents and your mother close by to help. And a smaller mortgage with a good size house. Those are the pluses, the pro's. What are the cons of that move? Sarnia, lol. Being too close again and all that entails. Schools. Maybe the thought was thrown out that B would have better care in a larger city like Sarnia, I'm not sure. I wonder about that and if she's better off where she is. Also C would have more to do as a teenager and then eventually of course F too. But .... well, you guys were teenagers in a bigger place and how did that work out? Things have changed so much 'out there' in the past few years, keep that in mind when thinking of Sarnia. I guess in the case of a move to Sarnia, I'd toss around who exactly are you doing this for? Is it for the girls or is it for you guys? Or both? And the drive situation would not be solved there even with the thought of J staying in Stratford for half the time. To me, that doesn't make sense in a family, in a marriage. But that's me, not you of course. So moving to Stratford would obviously mean a higher mortgage, no driving in bad weather for J and sorta the unknown about schools (I know you've done some research there but it's still a known/unknown). Small town, relative to Sarnia so maybe safer, maybe better for C as a teen, maybe more support for B. But it is quite far from family help - would that still be an issue? I remember when you were thinking of it before and the thought of having the in laws staying over more or for longer times didn't really sit well with you.
Definitely pro's and con's to all three choices. Sitting here in February, to me means you've got some time. The ideal time to move a family would be in the summer in order for them to get adjusted to a new school. I know that doesn't solve the J issue of driving this winter but how quick could you sell your house now? Winter would definitely be over by the closing date and C and B would be disturbed in their school/friend/support lifes. I'm sure you & J have discussed all of the above. To me, tossing out your mother's advice of suck it up might not really pertain to this situation. This requires a lot of thought. At this point, would J agree to staying in a motel when the roads are bad? Just overnight is usually all it takes, right? And then the storm passes and the roads clear up and he's home again. Do you find house prices in Stratford coming down at all? I know they have in T.O. and here in NF too. Not hugely but that also means you might not get the price you want for your house.
I understand your frustration right now. Driving in the winter is tough, there's no doubt. I hated commuting when I was working long ago here in NF and when I got a job in Weiland, I moved there. It was easy for me and easy at the time. Now, for you guys, it's definitely more complicated. You have so much to consider and housing prices are absolutely ridiculous all over - I've been saying that for years lol. Trapping our young people, like you guys into lifetime mortgages along with all the other expenses that it seems everyone's required to have. There's no individualilty left imho but that's another story lol. I say 'trap' because I know of a young couple, your age but with no kids, who are looking at houses here, well in St Catharines and Welland. The bank tells them they qualify for $600k mortgage and they feel they are entitled to that. Yes I use the word entitled - most in my generation and above are using that word to describe the younger generations. Please don't take that personally - it's just what we see overall. So this young couple are looking at these houses for that amount, thinking that they deserve and can afford it. But, I know of two others who were told by the bank what they qualify for and both of them couldn't actually get the financing and had to go to the parents for help. I know this doesn't pertain to you guys but maybe you see where I'm going with this. When it comes to money and financing and mortgages, lines of credit, loans etc, it's all different than it was when we were your age. And it literally doesn't have to be. It can still be looked at - what can we actually afford, not just now but in the future? What if one of us can't work? What happens then - are we prepared for that. Coming from someone who worked for others for 25 years and then myself for 25 years (holy cow!), I can tell you, it's not easy. And when one feels forced to do it with no wiggle room, it's even worse. It drains a person, actually maybe even worse than winter driving. If a family goes ahead with what the bank says they can afford, is there any of that wiggle room left for the what if's? And the what if's - they are real. The dream of always being able to afford life, well, that may not be as real....Just throwing that out there as food for thought. I don't think it's as easy as 'suck it up'.
One of those people I mention above who were preapproved by the bank and went thoroughly in search of the perfect place for their little family is out in NFLD. When they found their perfect place, one they definitely thought they deserved, turns out the bank wouldn't give them the mortgage and they had to ask for a co-signer. If they are one day late on their mortgage payment, the bank flips the property over to the co-signer. That co-signer has joked about owning property in NFLD. And that little family has had some tough times recently. And so has the co-signer for different reasons. Iffy to say the least. The relationship between them has broken down horribly through texts sent about the co-signers being terrible parents and ruining one's life. It's been really bad. Not an ideal situation on either side. Can it be fixed? Sure but always hanging over them is the money fact of the house itself.
Anyway, I know that's not your situation at all but just another story. I know yours is different and I also know the decisions made in the next few months will be the right ones for your little family. Cause that's the way you guys roll :) But in the meantime, please keep up writing your true thoughts out. I'm not one to hold another to what they might think at one time when I know things can change on a dime. Health is a big one. We're all on the verge of a health crisis and it's something not to dwell on of course but to think about - both physical and mental health. Without one or the other, it's a really tough road. I feel for J suffering through the drives, especially this winter. I feel the same going to all these tests and appointments. I'm out there sometimes before sunrise with snowy roads and people driving like idiots trying to get to work on time. It's a situation for sure. And I feel for you having to worry about him constantly. On top of worrying about the girls, in particular maybe about B and her situation. And the thought of you not having that support - that's real to you and I get it.
But you know, sometimes when we slow down our thinking, slow down the 'con' thoughts and focus more on the 'pro' thoughts, the light comes on and the darkness stays in the background. That's what I try to do on a regular basis right now. There are times I think I'm wasting valuable medical machines and medical people on my issue when there are so many more deserving people who need it. When my thoughts stray in that direction, I think well it's almost over - the treatment plan will start soon and either it will work or it won't. And either way, I'm ok. That's why I go silent at these tests now - just get it over with as fast as you can and let's get on with it. I'm old and I've been around long enough wasting resources lol. That's real to me and it is reality. So when I sit down again with Dr. Y and she outlines the treatment plan and the choices, if there are any, I'll have a clear mind and choose what I feel is best for me. I don't look to the outside thinking I can do this with help. I look at the options that I can best do myself. I'm not sure if I'm saying this part right but I think you know what I mean and this is for myself because it is just me. That wouldn't work in your situation at this time in your life. You have a lot to consider other than yourself and that is the hardest part of what you're going through right now, imho. So many tentacles to consider, to think about. It must hurt your head at times. I get it. I understand and I sympathize. But I also know, you will do the right thing when the time comes and it will work for all the tentacles. Moving to where you are now has worked for the most part - a few tentacles don't but they were out of your control (j's job). But so many have for the girls and for you with the exception of close family help/support.
I also know that sometimes just writing things down help a soul go forward with more positivity. You wear many hats, way more than you note in your email. You forgot Kind K, Empathetic K, Intelligent K, Worry K, Writer K - I could go on and on as you know lol. But you are all those plus the ones you mention all wrapped up in this wonderful way of yours. Sorting them all out is impossible to do in a meme'y way, like suck it up lol. Talking, writing, clear thinking - that's how to solve huge life issues. And sometimes, it is doing what's best for you and J and the girls will benefit. Those issues can be solved as you go along. My parents did that - they moved us from our neighbourhood where we felt so comfortable with all our friends (I was 7 at the time) to a larger house in a new neighbourhood that had hardly any kids. They did it because our house was too small for a family of 6 - we only had 3 bedrooms so all three girls were in one and although we didn't see the future, they did. And we settled into that new neighbourhood pretty quickly. And our parents were relieved altho my mother no longer had her friends to share coffee talk with over the backyard fence. D & I did it, we talked for probably five years about moving north before we did. We waited for the kids to be ready for their big moves in life and we did it with the thought of showing them a different way and of course D always hoped that Dev would follow us and buy a little house himself. But it's a different time now and a different situation for you guys of course. But just to show, the two men who I admired most in life, together with their trusted partner, made big moves considering all the angles of everyone but knowing it would never be perfect for everyone either. And both had to work after to help make it better for all involved. It's doable even in these times. Atho I would add with the current 'reset' we are experiencing, it's a bit less doable and I don't mean to be a downer but more has to be considered in this strange world we find ourselves in. As I mentioned, the healthcare system is likely the same all over, not just here in NF. And the same would go with schools, neighbourhoods, jobs, everything changes in a reset for those of us at the bottom (not bottom bottom, but you know what I mean). So care-full thought which I know is what you're doing is essential.
Ok maybe I've confused matters altogether here and if I have, just ignore all that above :) Just know, I care, I understand and I sympathize with your thoughts and feelings about life presently. I know it will change with or without a move on your part. And that you will all roll with the changes cause that's what we humans do. We are resilient and we can roll with whatever comes our way just by staying in the light. I'm kinda having a hard time listening to music right now but that's just temporary. When I think of what I just wrote there about the light, one of my favourites songs start playing in my head. It's Future Islands from their album called 'People Who Aren't There Anymore', the song The Tower. "I am waiting on the other side,
Looked out into everything and I lie, tell myself, "It's nothing" when it's quite right Everything grows stronger in the light" When the lead singer was interviewed he said, “Life’s hard when you’re young but it evens out over time. Let’s get through this together, alright?” And I loved that. It's so true. And you may feel 'old', but comparatively, you are young :) Ask my mom, she's turning 94 next month. Ask me, I'm double your age. All this will come and go. Decisions, good and bad, will be made and it will all even out in the end.
I'm going to end this now and thank you for your email, expressing your thoughts, giving me the privilege of an inside glimpse into your life and for allowing me to spew out all my thoughts haha. I will continue more in in the next one cause I know I haven't touched on all of it. Just know, you're never alone. ❤️🙏
Hey Hi,
Here's a few articles of interest and videos. In case you don't get a chance to start the Icke/Redacted video (full of info I'm sure you've heard already), Icke is being interviewed on Redacted this week and I'll link it for you.
*UPDATE - I decided to put info like this in World Without End ..... kinda makes sense
This is an article on CTV news about teachers ...it's a very confusing article but that's how the media does it ....
8 teachers suspended at east Toronto school in 1 day
This is the We Are Change guy talking about Epstein with some interesting info - he's been talking about this for years...
THIS IS INSANE: Epstein's Alive & Created Bitcoin!?
This is one of the Canadian youtubers I referred to. Bakes On Things. He posts two videos a day, one in the morning another in the afternoon. He speaks well, doesn't dive in too deep, if you know what I mean but has a good perspective on the level above...
This Old Carney Speech Changes How You See Everything
This is the other youtube guy from Alberta. Unacceptable Fringe. This is a rant he did last Friday - he goes live with his wife a couple of nights a week - I've never tuned into his live shows - I prefer to watch the shorter non live ones and he includes his rant in this one - it's interesting ...
Hey Hi,
Well, we only had that one day of sunshine and then the cloud cover came back. Today's a snow day here, it's already started. You too eh - hopefully it doesn't prevent school from happening. How's little F doing? Hopefully that was just a tummy ache and doesn't spread around. But those things happen with little ones eh. It's that time of the year unfortunately. I'm sending good vibes over there that it has come and gone :)
Ya, your experience was something else. And you alone had it, saw the darkness. Very interesting. I wouldn't dwell on it but I would certainly keep thinking about it cause somewhere in there are some answers, I'm sure. Maybe not directly. But they are there. You were in The Realness for sure. Our brains and our senses are so complex eh? And so interesting to try to figure it all out, of course, knowing we'll never get it all figured out :) Maybe it's all in The Balance - I know (and now you absolutely know) the darkness is there but it can't reach me because the light is too and I can keep a balance, a watch over it. Just like I intend to watch over you guys, making sure you maintain The Balance too ❤️❤️
Regarding the bone scan, yes if those lit up areas are problems, they will show up on the MRI and PET scan and will likely be dealt with I assume with radiation but still don't know yet. Maybe it's nothing. The pain in my breast is twofold. The tumour is the most painful and that's what feels like electricity hitting it. Sometimes a 10/10 pain. The tumours under it and around my lymph node under my armpit are mostly like a dull ache and at times the ache gets to about a 7/10. I don't feel the electric feel underneath, only on the top if that makes sense. But the nerve pills help with both pains so lots of nerves at work there lol.
You need to be very careful, as care-full as you can that is. You are so young to have so many problems in your knee and your lower back. Take care now so you won't be arthritis ridden or even unable to walk in the future. Nerves can be tricky and can flare up on us anytime and can be hard to treat. Do you still get any pain from the back issue? Can you go to the Chiro on a regular basis and have him 'work' on it somehow?
The energy I felt the afternoon of being radioactive, well, I'm not sure why that happened cause you have to hydrate for three days and to be honest, I didn't really drink much more than I usually do. I have been drinking lots of water sitting here in the afternoons or over at EF (cause they have one of those huge jugs full of cold real lemon slices and orange slice water - delicious). Contrary to what I was doing in the summer, I now drink way more water and eat way more food lol. I've even gained a bit of weight lately - that is one of the side effects of one of the pills but I can still fit into my pants so far lol. I got this paper to take home after the bone scan. It says 'an increasing number of sensitive radiation detectors have been installed at border crossings, in airports, public transportation, large public events and other ports of entry around the world. Patients are capable of being detected by these detectors. You will most likely trigger these detectors for an extended period of time.'. And guess what - the beeper thing at Walmart went off went I went thru. Also I have to stay away from pregnant ladies, infants and young children for 24 hours. But no other restrictions. I didn't read this before I went to Walmart lol.
So that burst of energy actually only lasted for that one afternoon. Yesterday afternoon I was wiped out. I had to go to EF in the morning as my mother had a Home Health Care assessment for Long Term Care - we're getting her on the list. It was over an hour long and very thorough. After it was done, before and after, I had to explain to the mother what it was all about. I've explained it before but had to do it again of course and will have to continue to tell her how it works. In her mind, she thinks we're shipping her off to another place. But this could take 3-5 years and as long as she's ok at EF, she can stay there. We got her a 'seatbelt' for the wheelchair so she can't lean over anymore to clean her floor - that's how she fell a few times. They don't allow restraints there so we had to work around it and the head nurse quietly approved it. My mom doesn't remember being non responsive and spending 10 days in the hospital back in November. But luckily she remembers that she can slip out of her chair (but not with the seatbelt) so she's more careful there. And the slipping out of the chair can cause major damage cause she goes down on her head. She got 8 stitches in December on her forehead last time she slipped. So she's 'on the edge' I guess you can say. She has almost completely recovered from the last fall. She came back with a completely bruised face - it looked awful and she had slurred speech, slow movements and could really barely talk. But she recovered, up to a point in that the Home Health Care coordinator (who was a lovely girl with a background in Social Work) deemed her capable. I worried at one point cause one thing they do is Chelsea says 'I'm going to give you three words to remember and ask you for those three words in 5 minutes) and then goes on with more questions. When she asked my mother for the three words, she couldn't remember. Later on she tried it again and my mother almost got it - she remembered two of them. So Chelsea thought it might be a hearing issue rather than a memory problem. But my mother did tell her she's got memory issues, she was pretty honest. But talking with her, she seems ok and can converse pretty good considering what she's been through lately. She admitted she gets sad when she's alone in her room. Luckily I know that's not too often cause there's so many activities. Both the PSW's and the activity girls go around to the rooms and encourage everyone to join in. Especially Peggy's room cause they know she'll say yes lol Everyone comments on how lucky Peggy is to have her daughters there every day. Well, maybe not this month but generally, we're there. So many have no one visiting them so they come to talk with us and that's nice. We've gotten to know so many of them. One of them actually we've known forever - my sister babysat her kids. The dad was a doctor, a surgeon, and they had three kids. He, however, turned out to be gay and left the family when they were late teens or so, moved to Texas to be with his lover who he had met in medical school. Quite the story there lol! The wife, Clare, she remarried and is now a widow and living on the 6th floor and she is lovely. She has gorgeous clothes and super expensive jewelry and always has time to talk with my mother. She sits down with us in the cafe and suddenly we're in these deep conversations with her and time goes on. My mother will contribute a bit and then she just listens.
My mom met a lady when she first went in on the 4th floor - they were at the same table in the dining room. They became friends. Within a few months, my mom had to go to the 2nd floor for more care and a few months after that Sandra also did and moved in next door. The 2nd floor has a separate dining room and Mom arranged for Sandra to be at her table. So they've been each other's support since then. I get calls from Sandra when she sees something amiss. Of course, my mom has said 'she's too nosy, she shouldn't call you', stuff like that but we just fluff it off. They're like friends that fight and then they're good. They never get too deep but they do rely on each other. They go down to the dining room together with the PSW's help. Sandra has Parkinson's and it's getting worse. She's much younger than my mom and at this point, it's more her looking out for my mom than the other way around. We really like her, she's great to talk to and we so appreciate her hovering (as my mother calls it sometimes lol). So many tales from the Home :)
Yesterday, though, when I got home (I went to Goodwill to drop some stuff off and couldn't help but go in and buy a couple of things lol) I was super exhausted. Actually never really felt that way before - it was weird. I went to bed at 7 last night and slept almost all the way thru to 7 this morning. I feel better this morning but having a hard time getting going really. Kinda glad it's snowing and am going to make this a snowday here at the Penthouse. There's an ABBA tribute this afternoon to keep my mother busy and she'll understand. Margaret's coming tomorrow to do the EF duties so I will have a very chill weekend and just rest up. Sunday morning, I have the MRI and can't eat or drink for 6 hours before - it's at 10 am so I will miss my morning coffee. That's a drag! LOL But I'll make it up in the afternoon. I may go over to EF for a cafe session for an hour or so. You are a throwback of the Silent Generation for sure with that ironing exception haha. But you know, I find ironing (which I don't do often) it's actually a nice soothing job. And satisfying somehow. The fresh clean ironed clothes ... feels good. Maybe in the future, you might find yourself with an iron doing just that for some 'time out' for yourself while actually still doing a chore lol.
Keeping dry hahah I wonder what that does mean? You must have been dealing with the girls coming in from a snow backyard fun time and having to organize the wet clothes and it was in the back of your mind and popped right out there. Ya, small talk can be hard. I actually find it easier with strangers than with people I know. Less expectation I think. Like the cop in the Home Health care place. Doubt I'll see him again so it wasn't hard to ask a few questions to prompt a short story out of him. But we also weren't standing in a store - to me, that's most awkward. And I resent having to go around those small talkers who stop in the middle of an aisle lol. At EF, I'm a master small talker according to my sister. I somehow always have something to say. Not important stuff, just pleasant talk. And it never goes deep so very surface but I like it cause as I mention in one of my stories, I like seeing smiles or see the eyes come to life, even with the younger workers but most especially with the older ones.
You know, the Stephen King stuff I'm witnessing in health care ... I can only imagine this, but I'm thinking it's likely much the same in your neck of the woods. It's all over. Not just here in Niagara. That's what I think with no back up knowledge of course. But ....
So the ECG. I didn't describe it properly. So yes I was lying on my left side so away from the machine and the Technicians. They took the wand (it's likely called something else) and wanded all over my heart in the front. They didn't go near my wound so that was fine. It was the pressing of the wand in certain areas that hurt. And they wanded for over an hour. I could tell they were going around my heart looking at the valves (they would talk about ok that's good for that valve) and the arteries going in. And they would take photos (click, click) all the way around - like more than 100 I'm sure within that hour. They darkened the room and it wasn't an uncomfortable position to be in. The uncomfortable (painful) part came in when they pressed in certain areas. Mostly from what I can tell, at the top of my heart. At the very end, I had to lie on my back and she wanded between my ribs and up near my neck. I didn't ask any questions or chat with them at all the whole time - just let them do their job hoping that would shorten the time and it likely did. They were super concentrated on what they were doing, very serious stuff there and after it was over, they left like a flash out the door. So almost a SK novel but not quite cause I just considered them very professional and good at what they were doing.
My dad actually had high blood pressure issues since he was 21 yrs old. He was in university and heading to medical school. So all his life basically he dealt with that. He wasn't on any meds as far as we know til much much later, like in his 70's after he had a TIA. My mom found his meds in his drawer unopened after he passed away so at the end, he wasn't taking them. For about two or three years prior to his death, he had major heart issues, major chest pain that would put him into bed. What we know now is that he didn't want to end up in the hospital, on machines etc. So he continued on with his life as best he could. He wasn't feeling well but went out golfing with his friend that day and passed out on the 7th hole, hitting his head on the golf cart. His friend was also a retired doctor and knew instantly. But even tho he passed away in public, there was no autopsy done (and there should have been but the doc friend signed off on it cause it was obviously either a stroke or a heart attack and having an autopsy delays everything and disturbs the family). So my dad did have issues of high blood pressure and all that goes along with that his whole life. But he kept active, ate right, kept his body weight down and did all the right things with the exception of stress at work. He actually did try there too. When working at the hospital got to be too much, he opened up the first ultrasound department at the Professional Building across the street from the hospital. It was groundbreaking at the time. Eventually he specialized in ultrasound readings for troubled pregnancies but also did everything. He was the Radiologist that was referred to the most by the other doctors. So overwhelming busy but it was most important to him. And having 4 teenagers at home was too lol. That's why we were taught to respect my dad's work and when he was home, to respect his quiet time. And because of that, we were able to enjoy him and what he did for us - the cottage, the ski trips, the drives, the new home, teaching us so much along the way. Respect to the end. 🙏❤️
And that respect extended to my mom too who kept it all together for us and for him. And I always say at EF now when someone says 'your mother is so lucky to have you visit so much' - my reply back is 'she did so much for us and now it's her turn' or something along those lines. So as 'difficult' as it can be at times with her, we can overlook it all knowing she overlooked a lot with us for a lot of years. I just got a call from her and she said Bell Canada called her to do something with her phone number. She doesn't have Bell anymore but did so they are trying hard to get her business back. Her suspicious nature told them she wouldn't do it. Thank goodness. So she was very happy that 'she did the right thing' with them. She won't remember for the next time they call but I've drilled it into her about 'spam' calls and 'marketing' calls so her spidey senses are always on alert. That does sometimes extend into other areas by mistake, like with some people over at EF but I talk to her and calm her down and hope I can do that the next time too lol. It's alot :)
Well, this is a novel in itself. Thank you if you've gotten this far haha. I hope all is well in Rehel-land. No sickness! And more karaoke instead! LOL Thank you again for your kindness and your emails and your precious time. Tell me more about the experience (we'll call it) as you work your way through it. ❤️❤️❤️🙏❄️
Excerpt from This Is Us:
I painted this because I felt like the play was about life, and life is full of color, and we each get to come along and we add our own color to the painting. And even though it’s not very big, the painting, we still have to figure it goes on forever, you know, in each direction, so like to infinity, because that’s kind of like life.
It’s really crazy if you think about it, isn’t it? That 100 years ago some guy that I never met came to this country with a suitcase. He has a son, who has a son, who has me. So at first when I was painting, I was thinking maybe up here, that was that guy’s part of the painting, and then down here that’s my part of the painting. And then I started to think, what if we’re all in the painting everywhere? What if we’re in the painting before we’re born? What if we’re in the painting after we die? And these colors that we keep adding, what if they keep getting added on top of one another until eventually we’re not even different colors anymore, we’re just one thing? One painting.
And my dad is not with us anymore, he’s not alive. But he’s with us. He’s with me every day. It all just sort of fits somehow, even if you don’t understand how yet. People will die in our lives, people that we love, in the future, maybe tomorrow, maybe years from now. It’s kind of beautiful if you think about it, the fact that just because someone dies, just because you can’t see them or talk to them anymore, it doesn’t mean they’re not still in the painting.
I think maybe that’s the point of the whole thing. There’s no dying. There’s no you, or me, or them…it’s just us. And this sloppy, wild, colorful, magical thing that has no beginning, no end…that’s right here. I think it’s us.
The Piercings
Back in the early 1970's, we all wanted to get our ears pierced. It wasn't as common as now, like at all. Now babies get them done. But back then, it was a novelty and a lot of mothers said no. My mother had her cousin pierce her ears when she was a teenager (in the 1940's) using a needle and a bar of soap. In the 70's, though, it was much more sterile. So one by one, we all got one piercing done at a nearby jewelry store and we loved it! Then in the mid 70's, we were in Toronto shopping at the mall downtown, The Eaton Center. That was so exciting - the stores! The sales! The jeans! The tops! I can remember not being able to afford to buy myself a $5 top - that was too expensive lol. By this time, we all wanted to get more piercings in our ears. No one pierced anywhere else btw - that probably came in the 80's. But we wanted the double piercings in our ears. So we went to a place in The Eaton Center, without my mother's knowledge, although she was there shopping away. And we got more piercings. I choose to get the double in both ears and an additional one in the left ear. No reason, just wanted it. The sisters got the double piercings. We were all very happy.
At the time, they would put in 10K little tiny studs and the ones I chose were like diamonds. They were super tiny and I loved them. And I never took them out, til just the other day. They were in for over 40 years and I never took them out or changed them (the extra two in my left ear that is). So here comes the 'tests', the bone scan and the MRI. I struggled to try to get them out for the bone scan but I just couldn't budge them. They were in solid, immoveable and they just did not want to come out. So I go to the bone scan and the girl said oh that's probably ok for this scan but I think for the MRI, you might have to - I will double check with them. Between getting injected with the super power radioactive stuff and the actual bone scan, I went home and was determined to get them out. I used a ton of Vaseline - soaked them literally. And then I took two pairs of tweezers (I was going to use pliers but thought I'd try the tweezers first). I gave a good tug once I could get a grip, which wasn't easy. My poor ear was all red by this time. I tugged and tugged and it worked! One comes out. I tug some more on the other and it also comes out! This after weeks of trying to get them out just with my fingers. I found the solution and they were out, finally after 40+ years of being in there. I'm not going to say it was the super power of being radioactive haha but .... let's just say, well, it worked on that particular morning.....
The Howling Wind
I remember the blizzard of 2012. We were in the north and end of December, beginning of January were already famous for blizzards and tons of snow. That particular year, it was raging all day, the blizzard. The snow was coming sidewise and the wind was unbelievable. It raged on all day and all night.
That night, five young men from Quebec chose to home invade the house across the street. They were well aware that the old man there owned properties in town and did everything in cash. He had a safe in his garage and he would talk about it with everyone and anyone. We all knew. And these guys chose that blizzard night knowing it would take a long time for the police to show up. On average, on a good day, it took at least 45 minutes to an hour for any kind of emergency help to arrive in the town. They had to come from Kirkland Lake. So knowing this, the five guys arrive at this man's house around 4 am.
This man was an old (in his 80's) tough man from Quebec who spoke broken English. He and his wife had lived in Wainfleet for a number of years, after growing up in Quebec. They raised their family there. Funny enough, they owned the corner store just down from the little hobby farm I hung out in. I was in that store many times. When their kids were grown, they decided to move back up close to Quebec but stayed in Ontario and bought the house across from us. He was not one to retire so he started buying up properties there and apartment buildings and houses. He became a landlord. Some called him a slumlord lol (ok that was me). He would rent to down and outers and do all his business in cash. My opinion, to D, was that ruined the town. The down and outers were druggies and other not well off people, people who didn't believe they had to work for a living. Not my type of people. I wanted the town to be full of people like us, who loved the north, bought the toys, fixed up our houses, owned our own stuff and relied on no one. That's not what this old guy cultivated there.
So on that stormy night, he was home invaded. They broke into his house and went into his bedroom. They took his wife and tied her up downstairs. The old guy managed to grab an axe he had hidden under his bed to defend himself. An axe? Strange weapon of defense and very easily taken from him. They grabbed the axe and whacked him across his back and beat him up, at the same time demanding to know where the safe was and how to get into it. He wouldn't give it up but they found it anyway in the garage and just took it. They left the wife downstairs and they left the old guy beaten and battered.
The old guy was able to make his way, somehow, to the house next door. In that house, lived a retired cop from Montreal. The wife is left downstairs. The old guy had no idea really if they had truly left or were still around so decided to leave the wife and get help himself. I happened to wake up around that time. I decided to take a look out at the blizzard and the best window to do that was in the front so I could see the snow in the street lights. I noticed that the light was on in the house beside the old guy and thought that weird. It was around 4:30 am or so. Then I notice that there are people sitting around a table. It was fuzzy because of the storm but I thought that was really unusual so I go wake up D for him to take a look. He thought it weird too so we kept watching. We can see the old guy and he's covered in blood. At first we didn't know what he was covered in but then soon we were able to see that as the storm was easing.
Soon after that, the police arrive. And more arrive and more. They bring with them not only about 5 or 6 police cars but also a big white van and sniffer dogs. They are searching all over. They come across and completely search our property, all around the house. We are watching this whole thing. There's an ambulance and we watch as the wife is taken out of the basement, after the police thoroughly searched the house and she's put into the ambulance. That was the very last time we saw her. She's taken away. The old guy was still at the cop's house next door and there were cops all over, in that house, in the old guy's house and outside. Then we get a knock on the door. It's a cop and we let him in. He's actually a relative of a friend we had made up there and we had met him before. He interviews us and I tell him what I saw. I didn't see the bad guys because I think they had taken off before I got up. It turns out, some got away in the car but two of them were on foot and who knows where they went but that's why they searched so thoroughly. The cop was good, he didn't ask too many questions because we didn't really have much to add to help. He suggested we keep vigilant and start locking our doors, even in the daytime.
The five guys were never caught and no one was ever arrested. The wife would never set foot back in the house. The old guy did but only in the daytime. He would come to get stuff out of the house and then leave. They lived for a time in a hotel in Kirkland Lake and then moved back down to Wainfleet where their children were still living. They put the house up for sale but it never sold. To this day, I don't think it's sold. It has a bad vibe to it. Prior to the home invasion, we were invited often over for a coffee so were inside and knew the place. I can still envision how they got in, how they found them in the bedroom, where the wife was held with her arms and legs bound, how the old guy would have fought for his life in that bedroom and where they eventually found the safe.
For a very long time, I didn't feel safe there. All the men would say 'it was targeted, you've got nothing to worry about'. All the women would say 'I'm nervous anyway' It was very unsettling. I resented that old guy hugely, not only for being a slumlord and bragging all over about his riches - he would pull out a wad of money from his pocket and show complete strangers how rich he was, but of course I resented him for causing this horrific home invasion. I never blamed the wife, who was very nice and not like him, for never returning and hope she was better back with her family. But him, yes I blamed him and the five thieves who did the deed. We thought we were safe inside our own homes. It took me some time and the fact that nothing like that happened again to be able to relax and enjoy the northern life again. But I'll never forget the howling wind of that night.
The MRI
Swoosh, Swoosh, Swoosh. That's the sound you hear even just approaching the MRI area, It's loud and it sounds like heavy liquids in a big container going back and forth. It's strange.
They said to be there an hour ahead. But that only meant I had to sit and wait. I'm directed to the MRI waiting room which is very tiny, only 6 chairs very close together. When I get there, there's a couple sitting there waiting. They might be in their late 50's or so, hard to tell. But they are sitting very close together and they whisper very quietly to each other. She's called in first and disappears into the back. Not a word is spoken between myself and the man. Without my coffee or breakfast or even water, I'm tired and just want this over with. He looks worried.
So we sit there in silence and then an older man appears from the back. He's got a hospital gown on and socks and is walking very carefully. He says something that he thinks is funny and laughs and goes to the little rest room. He comes out and stands there to tell me and the man not to use that one cause there's no products in there, he laughs, 'if you know what I mean' and he shuffles back off into the back. This breaks the ice for myself and the man and he says 'I have an older mother in a nursing home so I get it'. I ask where she is and she's in Fort Erie and he tells me they are from Port Colborne. So I ask about the drive in for them and it was fine. Then he asks me 'do you have cancer?'. I thought that was odd but nodded yes and he says 'do you mind if I ask you what your cancer is', odd again but I answer. And then he tells me about his wife and I realize he just wanted to talk about it with someone who would understand what they are going thru. His wife had kidney cancer last March and they quickly removed her kidney and on her check up this month, they notice that the cancer is now in her liver. So she's in for an MRI. He says how lucky they've been and how great the system has been for her. I say 'that's not my experience' but don't really elaborate, he just apologizes. I think how lucky she actually is to have him with her, driving her to the necessary tests, have him waiting in the crappy waiting rooms for her and to support her. I'm sure she will get her liver taken care of, maybe with radiation but I look at him like I do know they are in for a long haul and they may get surprised at the lack of that good care she has previously experienced. I hope not but I not that confident for them. Of course, I don't say all this but I'm also not all, you know, oh that's great, everything will be fine. I can't do that. The most I can do is say 'I hope for the best for you guys' and then I'm called into that back room.
There is a little tiny hallway and then a left turn to a little tiny area where there are three tiny rooms to change and three tiny lockers to put all your stuff in with locks. I'm instructed to strip right down to the undies and socks and put everything in the locker. And then knock on the MRI door when ready. So I do as instructed. There's a poster that starts with 'Why do I have to take my clothes off for an MRI' and all kinds of info including photos of burns from zippers and jewelry left on I guess they get questioned about having to put the hospital gown on. On almost every wall, there are signs that say "no harassment' etc allowed towards the medical workers. I've seen these signs all over the hospitals. I'm ready and I knock on the MRI door. I'm let into the small area and told to sit in this big blue chair. I'm asked a series of questions including have I ever had metal in my eye and about 20 more questions. My answers are all no, no, no. And then the very young technician tries to find a vein to put the needle in for the dye. She tries one arm, then the other with no luck and I'm left with the remnants of her attempts. Finally she gets her 'colleague' the other technician to give it a try and she succeeds. The young one explains to me that this is for my abdomen and that the machine is extremely loud so I'll have ear plugs and a headset on. It will take about 1/2 hour.
I follow them into the MRI room. Of course I could hear the machine's loud noise from the small waiting room but inside this room, it was 10X louder. The swoosh, swoosh, swoosh was continual, it never stopped. I'm told to lie down on the table and they hook up the IV, they give me ear plugs and put the headset on me. Then they take the 'camera and lay it over my chest and stomach area. This is a fairly thin but big piece of metal machine that hurt my pelvic bones sticking out but it soon becomes ok and not that uncomfortable. They ask if I'm ready and I slide into the machine. They have warned me many times about how loud it is and that I'll be instructed thru the headset to hold my breathe and then let it out. They give me a ball attached to a tube and tell me to squeeze the ball 'in case of emergency'. It's not easy to hold that ball without squeezing it lol but I don't and it's comforting to know it's there.
Wow is it loud. It clanks, it creaks, it moves, it shakes, it's super super loud. And almost right away, the manly computer voice comes on to say breathe in and hold your breath. The machine gets even louder. And just when I can't hold my breath any longer, it quiets and the voice comes on to say ok breathe normally. This goes on for the entire time, over 1/2 hour, every 5 minutes. I have my eyes closed for the most part but do open them to see that I'm not as close as the bone scan machine but it's about maybe 5-6 inches from my face. It's very claustrophobic and I'm glad I could handle that part. After about 20 minutes of hold your breathe, now breathe and clank, shake, squeal, clank, the technician's voice comes on through the headset. 'Patricia, how are you doing? You're doing great. We are now going to inject the dye'. I can feel heat at the injection site but nothing else as it spreads obviously very quickly because immediately the hold your breathe voice comes back and another 10-15 minutes goes by of more. Of course, I really have no idea of time in there. I figured it out after knowing what time I went in and what time I came out.
Finally some of the noise calms down and they slide me out. They take the IV out and the camera off. And tell me to go slowly, I'm done and that's it. Drink lots of water this afternoon etc etc. I'm getting used to those instructions. I stand up and feel pretty shaky. I joke that I hope I can get the locker open but I do and get dressed and leave. I'm shaky all the way down the long corridor out of the hospital but by the time I get outside, that goes away. I still feel very weird getting to the car and driving home. Luckily it's only a 10 minute drive. I'm fine when I get home, hungry and wanting coffee. So I have a nice big lunch, with coffee and the required water. I feel pretty good so go over to EF and bring my mother down to the cafe for her hot chocolate and we sit and talk with people that come by. My sister comes and we sit for a bit more and then I start to feel weird again. I can't describe it any other way than weird. So I go home and feel even weirder and take another pain pill. The pill kicks in after a bit of time and I start to feel less weird. I have a massive metallic taste in my mouth, more so than before. I kinda always have this taste in my mouth but now it's very pronounced Still is this morning. It is one of the side effects of the dye but it's also a side effect of the Leukemia. It's not pleasant but it's not that bad either, guess I'm getting used to it.
All tests done except the PET scan now. I am hoping to get that this week but no call on it yet. In the meantime, life goes on at the Penthouse. The mother looks at me at times like she know something's up, more than the heart issues I told her. The sister is good, she will listen and talk about the procedures and the cancer. Last night in our conversation, I said, like what the F ... how come I had to go through a car accident, an appendix operation, a devasting divorce, the death of Dave and now cancer? What the F?!? And she just listened and agreed, ya that's a lot. No one in the family has had cancer. What the hell. Not feeling sorry for myself, well, maybe a bit but then I thought, ya with all that I've been thru so far, including the mother's issues for the past 6 years, maybe I have the strength I need to fight thru this one too. And even if it means, it'll get me in the end, and I will have more what the F moments, I will go as I want to, gracefully, peacefully and prepared.
Theorist
What does being a Theorist really mean in today's world?
I've taken that title on for a lot of years now. Going back at least 25 years, maybe even more without realizing it. No need to add a word in front of Theorist anymore. Theorist stands on it's own now.
One of the first interesting reads was about school and that 'system'. I went through the school system unknowlingly, not aware and participated up to a point. What I did notice was that I didn't ever feel right about it all. I didn't like memorizing. I didn't like being told what I had to learn. I hated math equations. I hated Shakespeare. I hated being forced to do weird things in 'gym class'. I liked music class - learned how to play the flute. I loved geography - totally my favourite. That's it. But even with those two classes I did like, I found it hard to memorize enough to get good marks that would lead me to living a career in either. So I was at loose ends by the end of high school. I wanted to live life outside of school but dutifully went on to college and part time at university and got a degree and then an office job and quickly established myself with a car and an apartment and a life.
So years later I meet Dave. Dave had some serious thoughts about school. He would declare it's not for everyone. He dropped out in grade 10, as soon as he could and took off to Florida for a short time. When he came back, he realized he had to follow some of the set out mandates in order to have a life he could tolerate. So he joined the military and got his high school done. Then he launched himself - sales jobs and then self employment. The whole time, he did continue to talk about the school system. Of course he knew, some people definitely fit the mould, no doubt. Those that loved to memorize facts wen t on to become doctors, lawyers, engineers etc. And they were well compensated for their memorizing efforts. So well compensated that they buried any creativity they might have had and just did their job, happily buying stuff and looking good on the outside. All good. People like Dave set about trying to use their creative side and make a living at the same time - very challenging but not impossible. They just never looked as good on the outside so tended to be dismissed often.
Dave and I watched a video in the late 90's about the school system and how it all came about. There was a teacher in NYC by the name of John Taylor Gotto who won Teacher of the Year in 1990 and made a very interesting speech to accept it and went on to talk about it more. In his speech, he praised teachers and then said 'the truth is that schools don't really teach anything but how to obey orders'. And went on to explain himself further. For us reading this, it hit home. It was what Dave had been talking about all along. It described how I felt all through school. We must obey and then you will be rewarded greatly.
Almost forty years later, I can clearly see the outcome of the system and what it has done to people. Sure, they have been rewarded greatly for their obedience and I mean that respectfully. Those that veered off course, though, I see not the materials rewards but the internal rewards. Most can't express it or talk about it but I know they feel it and they live it. Especially those that figured out how to make money anyway. Dave was one of them. He clearly saw and knew he wasn't one to obey anyone. But he had respect for people. He had a kind heart. He had a lot of love to give. And he figured out how to make money without giving over his true essence. And that's why I saw him as brilliant. And I followed that path too. It took me longer and I had more struggles because I did continue the job of serving a higher boss or many higher bosses. At the end of that part of me making money, it was so very clear to me. I could laugh at the higher up bosses all disagreeing with one another causing chaos. I could sail through the mundane daily tasks knowing that within a short time relatively, I would be my own boss.
Of course, there was a lot of struggles to get to that point. Challenges is maybe a better word. Challenges that we both worked on together. We had high hopes for the 'music business' and our roles in it. So that made it interesting and fulfilling. The transition to CAP when we knew the music biz was not going to make it, was challenging but also exciting. Because it was of our own doing. We set out with one client trusting us to give us money ahead of what we promised to do for them to eventually juggling 30 clients. We could ramp up the number of clients and we could ramp them down. At the start, we didn't take a break. We worked every day, Monday to Friday and really really enjoyed the weekends. We didn't take any extended breaks for at least 5 maybe 6 years while we ramped it up at the beginning. Then came the time when we could. We could take a week at a cottage and leave the details in the hands of people we hired. We could take whatever time we wanted during the week and work on the houses, go for extended walks or rides. We could hang out with retired people and we could hang out with younger ones who took a holiday when they could and we could spend time too.
We had structure with all of our businesses. Structure that we did learn in school and from our home lifes as children. Basic structure that suited us more so than it would a doctor or an engineer. We took our businesses very seriously because they were part of our life. Part of our life together. We spent 24/7 together from 2004 on. Occasionally Dave would go to Pembroke without me or I would go to NF without him but that was rare and short. Otherwise we worked and played together. And we could separate the two very easily. With CAP, we set out from the very beginning doing just 'business to business' work which meant only working Monday thru Friday. We did work with clients around the world and sometimes that meant working a few evenings but that was rare because 99% of what we did was online. I remember one evening I had to talk with a client on the phone in Australia. It was weird to be talking with someone at 9 pm at night but I did a good job and got a great contract from that call. That's how rare it was to work outside the 9-5 timeframe. That was a big part of the structure. The other was that we addressed every correspondence from our clients and our callers immediately. And those two very important 'structures' we set up gave us all we needed to do a good job for both the clients and the callers. We also kept things very simple. Our clients needed to sell something - usually a service like Business Coaching for example. Our callers would make the necessary calls after we trained them. We managed both sides. The client would pay us ahead and we would pay the callers once they did their job. We earned our money with the difference.
We managed to do this for 22 years and now I'm 'retired' from it. I ramped down the clients and the callers after 2020 and wrapped it up at the end of 2025. Looking back at it all, I'm not sure we could have accomplished it if we didn't have an understanding of the 'system' and our part in it. Or I could say our part around it. We had no support during the whole thing from most outside of what we were doing. Inside what we did, totally full support and respect. And that's what mattered most. We eventually stopped trying to explain what we did and how we made our money because we didn't need to explain to anyone - banks, family, etc. We could keep up with whatever we wanted to keep up with. We could buy a house, property, travel, buy atvs, snow machines, cars and trucks. We had credit and we could keep up with the Joneses as much as we wanted. We could also decline invites when we wanted. Travel to southern places became a huge thing for our age group but we weren't interested. Not because we didn't have a passport or the money to do it. We loved the seasons. We could wait for the hot summers that we knew would come and didn't have the need to escape our life in the cold snowy winters. We made our life a vacation instead. We developed our own way. We did it our way :)
The way we did it is not for everyone for sure. And that's where the respect for others comes in big time. For someone who enjoys memorizing facts and does well in school and likes the system, great! They should definitely nurture that side and go on to have a great life. For those that aren't quite like that, hopefully someone can recognize that in them and help nurture that side and go on to have a great life.
Learning about how the system worked was our first venture into Theories. Most who were entrenched in the system already wouldn't or couldn't talk about it or read about John Taylor Gotto. For us, that was just a start. Now, I can clearly see how so many other theories we heard about have come to fruition and likely this is Part 1 of Theories. More to follow as more become 'mainstream' enough to talk about :)
After writing the above, I came across this (algorisms right on today). It's a lengthy read but is along the same lines as Gotto's thoughts:
In 1971, Doris Lessing wrote something that made educators furious.
She said that every child, throughout their entire education, should be told this:
"You are in the process of being indoctrinated. We have not yet evolved a system of education that is not a system of indoctrination. We are sorry, but it is the best we can do."
She didn't stop there.
"What you are being taught here is an amalgam of current prejudice and the choices of this particular culture. The slightest look at history will show how impermanent these must be. You are being taught by people who have been able to accommodate themselves to a regime of thought laid down by their predecessors. It is a self-perpetuating system."
Then came the part that really stung:
"Those of you who are more robust and individual than others will be encouraged to leave and find ways of educating yourself—educating your own judgments. Those that stay must remember, always and all the time, that they are being molded and patterned to fit into the narrow and particular needs of this particular society."
This wasn't abstract philosophy.
Lessing knew exactly what she was talking about.
Born in 1919 in Persia—now Iran—she grew up in Southern Rhodesia, now Zimbabwe, in a colonial system designed to maintain white supremacy and rigid social hierarchy. This was the 1920s and 30s—the same era when the Great Depression ravaged the world and fascism was rising in Europe.
The education she received taught her that the British Empire was righteous. That colonialism was civilizing. That certain people were naturally inferior.
That her place as a white woman was fixed: marry well, stay quiet, serve.
As a teenager, she began questioning everything.
She dropped out of school at 14—not because she rejected learning, but because she rejected indoctrination masquerading as education.
She became a self-taught intellectual. She read voraciously. She joined communist groups fighting colonialism, then became disillusioned when she saw how communism replicated the same authoritarian patterns it claimed to oppose.
She wrote. She observed. She refused to fit into any predetermined category.
And she became one of the most important writers of the 20th century.
In 1962, Lessing published The Golden Notebook—a novel that explored how women are psychologically fragmented by societal expectations. How we're taught to divide ourselves into acceptable pieces: the professional woman, the mother, the lover, the friend. Never whole. Always performing roles.
The book became a feminist classic.
Lessing said people misread it. She wasn't writing a manifesto. She was documenting how systems—political, social, educational—train us to police ourselves, to internalize the very structures that limit us.
But it was in the 1971 introduction to The Golden Notebook that she wrote her most radical statement on education—the one that got her books banned.
She wasn't attacking teachers. She was attacking systems.
The way education inevitably becomes a tool for cultural reproduction. The way each generation is taught to accept the assumptions of the previous one without question. The way "critical thinking" is encouraged—but only within carefully controlled boundaries.
Schools didn't appreciate the critique.
Throughout the 1970s, 80s, and 90s, Lessing's books were challenged and banned in schools across America and Britain. Not for profanity. Not for sex. But for "promoting anti-establishment views" and "undermining respect for authority."
The irony was perfect.
She said education systems suppress independent thought.
They proved her right by banning her books.
But Lessing didn't soften her message. She kept writing for six more decades, producing over 50 books exploring colonialism, racism, gender, politics, psychology, and science fiction.
She refused to be categorized. She wrote realist novels, then dystopian science fiction, then memoir, then social commentary. Literary critics complained she was too political. Political activists complained she wasn't radical enough.
She ignored all of them.
In 2007, at age 87, Doris Lessing won the Nobel Prize in Literature.
She learned about it outside her London home, having just returned from buying groceries. A swarm of reporters surrounded her car. They told her she'd won.
Her response? "Oh Christ."
Not gratitude. Not false modesty. Just honest exasperation at the spectacle.
She gave one of the shortest Nobel acceptance speeches in history. And even then, she talked about education—specifically, about a young man in Zimbabwe who'd walked miles to attend one of her talks, desperate for books, for knowledge, for access to ideas his country couldn't provide.
She contrasted his hunger for learning with Western students who took education for granted. Who were handed knowledge and didn't value it. Who had access to everything and questioned nothing.
Her point wasn't that formal education is worthless.
It was that education should teach you to question everything—including the education itself.
That's the test. Not whether you can memorize what you're taught. But whether you can recognize what you're not being taught. Whose voices are missing from the curriculum. Whose version of history you're receiving. What assumptions underlie every lesson.
Lessing believed that real education begins when you learn to ask: Why am I being taught this? Who benefits from me believing this? What alternative perspectives exist?
Those questions make institutions uncomfortable.
Because once students start asking them, they stop being easy to control.
Doris Lessing died in 2013 at age 94, having spent her entire life refusing to accept other people's definitions of reality.
Her radical idea—that we should openly tell children they're being shaped to serve society's needs—is still too uncomfortable for most schools to acknowledge.
But every time a student questions the curriculum, every time someone asks "Why are we learning this?", every time a young person wonders whose version of history they're being taught—they're proving Lessing right.
Because the students who ask those questions?
They're the ones who are starting to educate themselves.
And that, Lessing believed, is when real learning begins.
Not when you accept what you're told.
Not when you memorize the approved answers.
But when you learn to question who's doing the telling—and why.
Education can be indoctrination. Or it can be liberation.
The difference isn't in the subjects taught. It's in whether students are encouraged to think for themselves or trained to accept authority without question.
Lessing spent 94 years demonstrating what happens when you refuse indoctrination. When you drop out of systems designed to mold you. When you educate yourself instead of letting yourself be educated.
She became a Nobel Prize winner.
She changed how we think about gender, colonialism, power, and society.
She wrote books that are still banned in some schools—which is perhaps the greatest proof that she was right all along.
The system protects itself. It always has.
But the robust individuals? The ones who refuse to fit? The ones who question everything?
They're the ones who change the world.
A Nobel Prize winner said schools should tell every child: "You are being indoctrinated."
They banned her books instead.
Because the truth is dangerous.
And independent thought is the most dangerous truth of all.
Media
We are taught in school that the media is non-biased. That what you see coming from the 'mainstream' is all true. The news. The headlines are accurate and should be considered the real deal. We are told not to question. Further study will let us know that the AP, the Associated Press, is where the news originates, they are the boss of all media.
Before the internet, we got our news from the 6 pm and 11 pm news and from the newspapers that were delivered to our doorsteps. There was no talk of mainstream. What we heard and read was 'truth'. What we didn't realize was that it was told to us in a way that would tell us how to think. For example, the Vietnam war. We would see how the US was involved in it but didn't really know why. We would see the protestors getting rounded up, beaten and killed by the police. We were told they were hippies and useless people who had no idea, those anti war types. They were wrong, the government was right and many people died. Soldiers died in a foreign land among strangers. Anti war people died for a cause they believed in. And then time moved on and it was forgotten. Media won that war because they kept the company line going.
What we didn't know was who ran the AP? Who gave us our way to think? Fast forward to the time of the internet when so much has been revealed to us. Not what was put on the tv news and not what we were taught to memorize in school. But new and interesting information that made us think, not memorize. Not just facts but scenarios we were not given prior. Like why are there wars and who benefits. We were shown to follow the money trails to get to some real truths. We were shown the pyramid scheme we live in where most of us are on the bottom. Shocking to us because we thought we were much closer to the top. The news talked to us like we were. We had been to very good schools. We were allowed to vote our leaders in and that was super important. We could chose how our country would go further. Or so we thought.
We were shown how brilliant the media actually was. They could sway a whole nation of people to think one way or another. Without us even knowing. We thought we were so smart. But in reality, we went from long afternoons to shorter days because we got busy, so busy. It became the most important thing to be busy. Suddenly our teenage kids were too busy to spend time with us. And our grown children, well forget about it. They had no time for anything but getting through their days. Time became a commodity that was precious, too precious to spend on boring old people.
Media had changed along with the internet. We were told at the beginning of Facebook to be very careful what you post because your future could be compromised if you thought a different way. That was the beginning of complete censorship. Facebook was a very effective tool for media. Still we had the headlines and still we had tv mainstream news blaring at us. But the youth turned to Facebook thinking they had a leg up on everything. They didn't want the news. They didn't care about the news. But what they didn't understand was they were still getting it, just in a different way. They just got rid of the 'mainstream' way. And they were handed power. The power to know more than the older generations. Or so they thought. But what they didn't know and still don't is that they are being manipulated into how to think. They don't have the time to verify anything so they just believe in what they read. They make sure they all think the same way and voila, the media has won again.
The top tier people steer the AP which steers the sites we go to now where we get our information. And that includes the sites the young people go to - the TikToks and the Snapchats. All censored. Of course, they take on a liberal mindset which now means Liberal voting when they are of age. It's not cool to be conservative or to vote Conservative. The media, in all it's forms, sways generations of people into how to think. Today is no different. It's just a different method they use and a very effective one. The media has created divides among families, among generations. It has spread it's medusa like arms into every household regardless of how much we want it or not. It's there. And it's tightening it's grip on the younger generations. As time speeds up or rather as we get busier in our life's, the grip tightens even further. Think a different way than the news, in all it's forms, and be ostracized. And who wants that? So we go along with how everyone else is thinking, courtesy of the media.
Tightening it's grip on us, to me means control. Control the people and the world will be a better place to live. Right? Take away those freedoms we used to think we had and the world will be better. Solve hunger. Solve poverty. Solve inequity. And the world will be a better place. The media tells us that. We watched our favourite musicians all gather to solve world hunger back in the 80's, live. Oh wait, they didn't solve it but they sure made a ton of money trying. We were told if we put our money into 'charity' than cancer would be cured. Oh wait, it still hasn't been and the heads of those charities own private islands now. The media has made a small percentage of people here very very rich and has pushed the rest down to the bottom of that pyramid. Very effective. They've done a great job and now we are entering full AI. My generation is puzzled - how did we get here? Lower generations love it. They were born into it and embrace it to the fullest. But, I don't think cancer will be cured. any time soon. The real cancer is at the top tier, the truly evil ones who trade their soul in for wealth and power.
For those who have been paying attention all along, this is no surprise. And there are quite a few but not the majority. The majority will always win. Like politics where it's a 2 party system - chose one side or the other. If you win, great. If you lose, then suck it up and shut up loser. And don't be afraid of telling the losing side how stupid they are for choosing incorrectly. I dropped out long ago, like the hippies in the 60's who saw the reality of war. I tried to get my views heard but the majority was too loud. The media's arms were extended and they won. Thus the escape. The escape to a slower time, a less frantic time so we didn't have the rush in our preview. Let them have their busyness. Let them drown in their own sorrows. We could no longer participate or contribute to that. We escaped. Not only in our heads but also in our actual presence. We chose live in the north where it actually did feel like the 70's again. Where days moved slowly. Where time was stretched out. No clocks were necessary. We got up when the sun rose, we ate when hungry and went to bed early after a long wonderful day full of what we wanted to do. Not what was dictated to us through the media. Yet we kept up on the media and it felt like from a distance most times. Like it was another life. Like we had escaped.
Today, I'm back in the fray. All around me I see busy people. Over at the Home, everyone's on a time schedule and when I take a moment, which I often do, to ask how is your day going, what I hear back is 'so busy' with that frantic look on their face. But there are exceptions. They are the ones who make eye contact and say their truth. Yes they are surrounded by the busyness but that moment when they can be real, take a second and like the fact that someone is actually asking them a real question, waiting to hear a real answer, their eyes change, their face softens and their whole body relaxes. It happens often with the residents who are all well over 80 years old and it seems to bring them back to a time when life was not so frantic. It happens with some of the younger working ones too and although they likely never experienced the time before the internet when time sped up, they are human and they somehow see it and relate to the calmness. And their eyes and body also change, relaxes in a way that they truly need in their busy day. They get the glimpses of what life should be for us all. I'm happy I can give them the glimpse once in a while. It's a small thing but it means the world to me.
Family in the 70's
Imagine having four teenagers, all a year apart, in the house together. We had that and it was so much fun. It was the 70's so life was even keeled. We had the future to look forward to and we were assured we could all make it a good one.
My dad would watch the girls along with their friends walking down the street to school and he would call us 'Sheep'. We all wore the same jeans and mixed it up with different tops. We would walk side by side down the street cause there were very few cars to think about and well, we owned the streets. We had spent our childhood in those streets and now we were little adults, teenagers thinking a different way. We had the best music, we went to the best school, we lived in the best town, we had the best winter and summer holidays, we had the best grandparents and cousins who we rarely saw but still we liked them. We felt like we owned the street, the town and the world. It was wide open to us. We were all thinking which direction we wanted to head into. Which university we would go to and how exciting it would be to be on our own.
In the meantime, we had a big house with lots of people going in and out. My mother stayed home, cooked, cleaned and played Bridge with her friends. My dad worked hard and we respected that. Together they would have their couple friends and would go out often or have parties at home and the cottage. We had separate lives but we each enjoyed seeing them having fun - it gave us even more hope for a bright future of our own homes and friends. We traveled together as a family, we went to the cottage as a family. We were cohesive yet we were individuals developing our own thoughts and our own lives. Sure we had plenty of problems - illness, accidents, school, bullies and we hoped we helped each other through those issues.
My dad would come home just before 6 pm and we'd be scattered throughout the house as dinner was being prepared. My brother in the garage, my older sister on the phone but she would have to hide halfway down the basement stairs for privacy, I'd be in the living room listening to new music on the stereo,, my younger sister in the kitchen helping with dinner. Dad would come in and a tired as he was from a full day of work, he'd look around and say things like 'you kids still here?' and we would laugh. It would kick off the evening. He would have his cocktail with my mom, they would relax and wind down and then we'd have dinner, all of us at the table every night. We would learn table manners, we would each have a chance to talk if we wanted to. Dad might tell an interesting story or they would announce something new, like a trip or a weekend of skiing. My sister would try to hid the meat she was served and the other would hide the vegetables or we'd switch. The dog sometimes got fed under the table. It was fun, it was a routine that we all loved.
After dinner, the girls would do the dishes, clean the kitchen and my brother would do whatever man thing had to be done - shovel the driveway, cut the lawn etc. We'd gather outside either to skate on the backyard rink or make a snow fort or play with clackers or other games we made up with the neighbourhood kids in the good weather. We would wonder about summer without us because we headed out to the cottage the day school was done and not come back til Labour Day. Cottage life was much the same but of course without school so the days were our own and we had friends out there too. We had the lake, we had Sherkston, we had Pleasant Beach, we had long walks to the Lighthouse and bonfires at night. We had so much. Dad would get home just a bit later in the summer and the first thing he would do is get his bathing suit on and come down for a swim. My younger sister and I would always be down at the beach waiting for him to go for a swim. It was the best swim of the day! Then delicious dinners and after, we'd have the duties of making sure the toys were all put away - the raft and the boat were our toys so it wasn't hard. We'd have long evenings with our friends while my parents relaxed with each other.
We loved all the seasons with the family. We were a unit yet we had our own lives and friends too. There was time for it all. We had guidance and we had adults we looked up to and admired. We wanted their lives as we figured out how to craft our own. We worked hard from a young age, within the house and outside too. We delivered Sears catalogues in the brutal December weather. My older sister and brother worked at Crystal Beach. My brother had a ton of jobs cause he liked to work and saw the value of it. He was also a car guy. One time, he took apart one of my dad's cars in the garage and put it all back together. Amazing! My older sister was very much into her friends and they formed a sorority which I was included in. So much fun! We did charity work but mostly we partied with frats usually from other schools so got to know a ton of people. I was in the middle so friends with both my older and younger sister and my brother. We were involved in so much of our own doing - forming groups, friendships and just making life so interesting.
Our parents were right into it too. They loved how involved we were in life. They created a background for us. My dad was very interested in keeping the family together for dinners, holidays. cottage time, skiing - anyway he could and we all happily joined in. My mom loved shopping with us and for us, buying the clothes and jeans we wanted and the record albums. I remember she liked Boy George lol - we all thought that was great. My parent's music was different so we shared the big stereo in the living room but we would join in with Dad's jazz and we'd dance with him and gently make fun of how old fashioned it was. Dad never did take to our music and would tell my sister that the Rolling Stones wouldn't make it past 30 haha.
Dad had many warnings for us along the way. He would explain how he would see so much at the hospital and here's what to avoid. We learned a lot from him trying always to heed his warnings but well sometimes we'd go for it anyway. Those days were not scary like today. Drugs were pot. Alcohol was beer, light beer and it wasn't used to drown sorrows, rather it was used to enhance a good time to an even better one. So moderation was key. When it came time for us to get our licenses, one by one every year, we would have lessons from him and from the schools. We would be given the car to use and we would be trusted. We had curfews we would try to adhere to but of course they didn't always work. So they had a lot of worry during those times but still they kept trusting we would make the right decision. I remember trying very hard to follow the rules because I didn't want them to worry and I didn't want to disappoint them. And of course I wanted to get the car next weekend too! The best was my brother driving me and my friends wherever we wanted to go. We all felt safe with him and bonus for him cause he liked several of them. We all turned 16 during the 70's and we all turned 18 - licenses and then drinking age. Ya plenty to worry about. We all got through it though and as the 70's turned into the 80's, we all went on to our chosen lives. My parents were set and ready for the time we all departed. They had travel and friends and they made it work. My mom had a harder time letting go of us all and my dad would keep up the running joke about how he was free of 'you kids' now.
It was a wonderful time in all our lives. Full of fun, excitement, drama, hurt feelings, tough times, family, cottage, skiing, trips, high school woes and triumphs, big snow storms and summer storms, friends, and good times. My dad made it to 78 years old and passed away on the golf course. Mom is still going at 94 and I often talk about stories from those days to her. It puts us both into a good frame of mind as we travel back in time. And I thank her often for giving this gift to us. The gift of a great life combined with learning lessons, support, love and freedoms to choose our own paths forward.
Early Morning Whispers
I hear you. Every morning. There's no need to shout. There never was because I hear you. The time is over for the shouting. For the loud noises. They were necessary years ago so others could also hear but now....now, it no longer matters. I hear you in the whispers, in the stillness. For the past 34 years, I've heard your whispers and they call me now from afar, yet they are so close. I know I don't need to fear what's ahead. Knowing. In the real world, there's turmoil all over. Knowing. The world is vibrating on the fear while those that have been up on the false pedestal continue to manufacture it. There's a reason why I hold no one up to that level. And never have. I have respect for those who have memorized details to help others but never have I held any of them up to the level that brings me down. I can look at them with no emotion and continue on my journey.
It's the balance that I live in I've been down to the lowest and I've witnessed the highest. I don't require either of those extremes. I just want the balance that knowing brings. I'm going through this next journey with a level mind, with the balance that the whispers bring. Knowing means we learn from past experiences. The whispers mean we go forward on our own, in our own way. Is it always the right way? Right, wrong. Up, down. The teeter totter keeps going.
The whispers erase the chaos and bring peace. Knowing means I can live on the ledge of the know, balanced. I can see what's right in front of me. I can hear the loud noises. And I can sit on the ledge of the know, in peace with that knowledge. Let the chaos swirl like snowflakes in a storm. Once they settle on the ground, they accumulate until another storm comes along. Maybe that storm accumulates more or maybe it blows it all away. Either way, the knowledge along with the balance remains.
As the dawn breaks on another day, the whispers guide me peacefully, with grace, in the most lovely way.
Christmas in the North!
Christmas is family time and I never missed one with my family until 2009. 50 years of wonderful Christmas memories! And then came the shift, the northern shift. Christmas changed then and it was just as wonderful as the 50 years of them I had already experienced.
We bought our little house in Vtown and moved in October 2008. There was already snow on the ground that wasn't going away. We knew we were moving into snow territory so there were no surprises about that. Dave knew I wasn't 'good' driving especially in the winter and we made a pac with each other. We were old enough, the kids were adults on their own. Family had expanded down on the southern coast so we wouldn't be missed as much. We would have actual Christmas now in the north even if it just meant the two of us. No more NF or Brantford family gatherings and we spoke with our mothers to let them know. My mom was ok with it because she was always very supportive of what we wanted to do even if it meant missing out on a visit. My parents had always encouraged us to expand our horizons, to push forward in life, to conquer it if that's what we wanted. They said they'd always be there for us if we needed it and wanted to hear the stories of our conquests. Dave's side, well, not so much. Lots and lots of pressure to 'do the right thing'. What is the right thing? Dave & I felt the right thing was to follow our own heart even if it meant we weren't a number at the party. We actually didn't like to be just a number at the party. Instead we wanted to be the Conquerors.
That December, though, Dave wanted to visit the kids in Pembroke, a 5 hour highway drive, just before Christmas. He felt it important to make that effort and I admittedly disagreed but did understand, he was heading there on his own for just a night to take them out for dinner. He was okay with me staying at home with the Pug and he very tentatively headed out. Tentatively because by this time, the snow had accumulated, the roads were covered and it just didn't stop snowing. I was nervous for him but tried not to show it. He put on a good front for me although I watched him looking at the skies as he left that morning. Was he engrained in the concept of 'doing the right thing' regardless of his own safety? I think maybe so. Whereas I knew the right thing for us was to stay home and I had no guilt, no remorse. I already felt that Christmas as just a date on the calendar. I understood how important it was when there are little children for sure. I had great memories of all the Christmases I had experienced before but I was also okay with a shift.
About an hour after he left he's back. He just couldn't do it. He said the roads were not good. He tried but he turned around and there and then, decided Christmas for us was now in the north. Visits were replaced with phone calls. Our road trips would be in good weather and we would hunker down for those northern winters. Once that decision was made by him, we felt like we could really do up our own version of Christmas in the North. He made the huge shift with me 100% right there standing in the driveway, with the snow still falling, making that big decision. It was not easy for him. We talked it through the whole rest of that day. He made the phone calls to let them know and they said they understood. And then we talked some more. He already admired how my family was able to treat each member individually, even in a group setting. Because we were all individuals, we were all different and we just didn't fit into the group mode. But that didn't mean we couldn't get together and enjoy the group. Maybe in fact it meant we could enjoy it even more. Dave's side, he understood then, was just interested in having the group together regardless of individual choices. Choices were not respected and they would get upset, actually angry. Of course, my parents always wanted us together but because they had their own lives they worked hard on once we were grown and gone from their home, they respected our individual decisions. They didn't cling to us or expect us to fulfil their lives. We were meant to go forward with our own!
We spent the next several days decorating the house. We went out and bought all kinds of Christmas lights for inside and outside. We had so much fun doing up our new little house. We planned out lots of good meals to eat. We got invited to a few house parties and met some fun people. We started buying winter 'toys' - a snowmachine and an ATV to plow the driveway. Dave got right into keeping that driveway perfect. Well, it was never perfect lol cause that snow just kept coming. But he made it his thing to design the driveway and backyard with the plow and he loved it. Around that time, the town did up their Christmas tree. It was huge! It was probably 20 feet high and covered in lights. And decorations. The tree was outside the tourist place so we could see it from our house. That year, since it was so cold, they also made ice sculptures with lights inside - they were so cool! So many houses in that little town would decorate with the lights mostly. Colourful lights, some that got buried in the snow and glowed, some covering the whole house. We would ride around town on the snowmachine and check them all out.
When Christmas Day came that first year, it was lovely. We had a little tree we cut down from the backyard, super tiny, like 2 feet tall and we put a few presents underneath - nothing fancy, just more to look at inside really. We made a big deal out of breakfast and made phone calls. They were good calls all around cause it was Christmas Day. We loved it. The long afternoon stretched out. We went for a walk and a ride around. We spent time outside moving snow around and we had a nice easy simple dinner to top the day off. It was lovely. And it was relaxing. I felt like it was the first Christmas. The first of many more that were different than before and it was ok for both of us.
I remember, in particular, Christmas 2012. Our families were (sorta) accepting of our new tradition and we were 100% into it. We were still drinking at the time mostly just when we went out with our friends or to their houses. That Christmas Day I had gotten us a bottle of Goldschlager which is a cinnamon schnapps with gold flakes in it. It was sooo good. We took the bottle and two shot glasses and headed over to the tourist center to look at the tree. It was dark out already and we were the only ones out it seemed. And was that ever fun! We toasted the tree with the schnapps which gave us that nice warm glow going down. With every sip, the tree looked bigger and bigger, the lights looked brighter and brighter haha. That was a once in a lifetime experience for us because that year, we chose to stop drinking and get into the health stuff. But we had that one last glow and it was the best. Like the perfect way to kick off something new. Something we did often - shed the old and embrace the new! Cause, you know, life changes all the time and we wanted to ride with it. Ride with the changes like body surfing in a Lake Erie storm. Lessen the stress and move on to the beauty of the newness.
We didn't really develop any traditions when it came to the northern Christmases other than the lights. We learned to put the outside lights up in October and set them high so they wouldn't get buried in the snow. We settled into the quietness and would appreciate so much when we would go for a walk. We would set out for walks when it got dark so we could see all the lights, hear the crunchy snow under our boots, wave at the snowmobilers, and just appreciate the calmness and the beauty of a zillion stars. The daytime walks and rides were completely different but just as enjoyable. We'd go down to the lake and get the courage up to go out onto it. It would be humming with other snowmachines and ice fishing huts. And we'd meet up with our friends on their machines and they would show us trails and logging roads and take us inside the fishing huts. We would be one of the snowmachines now lined up at the restaurant for long lunches. We blended into that northern life like we had done it all our lives. We were open and we were accepted. It just felt very right. Once the holidays were over, our lives didn't change all that much. We would get back to work but we continued the walks, the snowmachine rides, the restaurant adventures, exploring the back trails heading further into the bush the more confident we became. We would head to Rouyn for dinners out with friends or just over to the next town for breakfast. Winters were fabulous and one of the best parts was that we didn't have to plan anything. It was all spontaneous, day by day, depending on the weather and whether we wanted to say yes or no to an invite. It was heaven, our very own heaven and we appreciated every minute of it.
The Blizzard of 1977
Speaking of weather and storms, we had a big one in the winter of 1977. At the time, we would hear a weather blurb at the end of the news at 6 pm and at 11 pm. So we knew there was a storm heading our way but life would go on as normal generally with no big red maps and warnings.
I'm still at home due to the accident and we start to see the snow coming down in the afternoon. School continues as normal but we hear the buses are cancelled. My best friend took a bus home so my sister invited her to come home with us instead. They head out after school and walk as always home. This time though, the wind was howling, the blizzard had started. It was a real struggle to get home. We thought my brother could drive my friend home later but of course we secretly hoped she could just stay with us. A woman stopped her car and asked them if they wanted a ride and they took it. Another note - people looked out for people then. She was a stranger and should have been home herself - she had a carful of kids so thank you kind stranger for the help.
They make it home and my mom was happy to see them. I remember the exciting feeling of the storm. We didn't care if the power went out. We didn't care if the snow piled up. We wanted it to. We were home in our big house all safe and sound listening to the wind just howling and watching the snow. Darkness fell early that day and we knew there was no going out again. My friend had to stay. We dug into games, into music, dancing, talking, eating. We had a great time. My dad made it home that night, just barely. The car didn't make it into the driveway by that time. He told us of all the stranded cars on the roads and how worried he was about getting back to the hospital. We partied on :)
The next morning, the storm was still full force. We couldn't believe our eyes as we looked out and saw snow drifts higher than we had ever seen before. The street was gone. The driveway gone. Cars were buried. Everything was silent except the wind which kept it fierce power blowing everything around. And it was cold. Lake Erie had frozen over in mid December and this was the end of January. One of the coldest winters we remember. And the snowiest. My dad was worried about getting to work. He knew how important it was to be at the hospital to help in any way he could. All the doctors were transported one by one into the hospital by snowmobiles. It was a cold difficult ride there but they did it unquestioningly. I was still recovering from the accident so stayed inside but my sister, brother and friend wanted to get bundled up and go outside to experience the blizzard full force. And they did. They circled around the house - that's as far as they could get. They said the drifts were up to the rooftop. And they had fun. A long day stretched out in front of us. My mom had always maintained a full cupboard and fridge of food so we had lots to eat. We spent that day and the next day, doing more games, dancing, singing, talking, eating. I don't remember if we ever did lose power. We had a large tv in the family room but I don't remember if it was on air with it's 4 channels available or not. We didn't really care. We were excited and several times, they would head outside to check on the blizzard. My brother attempted to shovel the driveway and rescue the car but it took several days to dig out.
We survived. The city survived. The snow drifts were as high as the power lines. And it was so cold making it even more of a challenge in clearing the snow.
When the storm subsided, it seemed to happen quickly. Suddenly my friend's dad was there to pick her up. Of course, we didn't want her to go! But she had to so we said goodbye really not knowing when school would start up again. The next concern for my dad was the cottage. Did it survive? So my dad, brother and sister head out. They couldn't get down the road leading into the cottage and had to hike it - a tremendous effort. They came back to say yes the cottage was still there - it didn't fall off the cliff. We have a photo of them on a snow drift that was higher than the roof and they climbed up there to check it all out. So cottage safe. Check. By this time, the blizzard had subsided so now my brother's job starts at home with our driveway and helping the neighbours dig out. Huge job that took days. But that was ok. No one was in a hurry to go anywhere. People all did have food supplies - it's just what we did in those days. I do wonder where all the snowmachines came from - they were important during the storm delivering the doctors and patients to the hospital. And likely doing other duties too. Students in the Port Colborne-Wainfleet area were stranded at school for days - about 800 of them. I could only imagine how much fun they had. But the houses in that area took a huge hit - windows were knocked out and snow piled up inside the houses doing a lot of damage.
It was an exciting time but also a very scary time. Another blizzard hit the following year but everyone was much more prepared for it, including me cause I could go out in that one. What I remember most about that year was that my brother and I had taken on a job of delivering the Sears catalogue to all the houses in our neighbourhood. We made great money doing it - we were paid per catalogue delivered. We had one of those big long sleighs and piled up the catalogues and made our way through the snow delivering them. It was hard work but I liked working with my brother cause he was strong and had an amazing work ethic that was catchy. He taught me to work hard and the rewards would come and he was right. I felt so fortunate to have two male role models - my dad and my brother. They both worked hard and had an extremely strong dedication to family. Just as aside to this story, I truly believe in male vs female and their placement in our world. Once again feeling so lucky to have the men show their strength and dedication along with my gentle loving mother showing us how to be feminine and supportive. I grew up with the knowledge that I was a girl, a true feminine but that I could also be strong for those that can't be. We were divided up between male and female when it came to sports which I can't emphasis enough how logical that is. We didn't have males encroaching on female activities and vice versa. We had our place in the world and it just made sense. But maybe that's another story :)
The Night The Lights Went Out in Horseshoe
It was August 2003 and we lived in a really cool condo across from Horseshoe Valley where I worked in the timeshare biz. Dave was working CAP and still involved in music biz and had headed down to NF to get together with a guy he was still working with. I was working when everything shut down with a loud clunk. It was around 4 pm so still light out and we thought it would just be another temporary blackout. But it wasn't. The lights didn't come back on for 3 days. What an experience that was!
By that evening, Dave was back. He had driven through regardless of the power outages cause luckily it was mostly highway. Within hours, we realized all our food was not going to make it. We kept hoping the lights would come back on but people in the condo building were getting their bbq's out and letting people know they could bring their food/meat over to cook. Cook it all! That night was like a picnic party. We were excited because it was 'different'. We had no idea what happened and no idea when the power would come back on. So we bbq'd and we ate - lots. We got to know many people we didn't even know lived there. It was fun.... for the first night.
The next day, I head over to work, thinking I would just be sent home. But no, I was doing contracts at the time and we had to do them by hand twice - once for us and once for people that were buying timeshares. We had to write down credit card numbers and hope they would go thru once the power came back on. It was a lot of work. And by that time, it wasn't so much fun anymore, at least at work. Dave worried about CAP but we had phones that still worked so he was able to get ahold of our Manager in Barrie where the lights were back on and she took charge. So we relaxed that night too although the picnic parties were over it seemed. We ate crackers for dinner.
This went on for the next two days. It was surreal after a while because we honestly thought they would never come on again and what would we do? We knew the power was back on in other places and people went back to regular life but life in Horseshoe, not so much. We head over to the bar on the third night and that was fun too. They had generators going so music and food - what else is needed? I had three very very hard days doing contracts by hand. Each contract was 30 pages long. People kept coming to buy timeshares and everyone kinda thought it was exciting to be doing it in the dark. By the 3rd day, I was done but managed to get through.
I remember when the power was restored. It came on very gently unlike the way it went out. There was no clunk but instead a hum. When we heard the hum, we were soooo excited. We learned during those three days how important our lights are. How important fridges were. Air conditioners. Stoves. Photocopiers. Computers. And of course, lights. It took some time to get back into regular life again. When we first started watching 'preppers', we understood why they prepared. We tried for a while but it's hard to sustain when the power stays on and you're living in a condo. Life went on as usual within days but those three days without lights were exciting and unforgettable! This outage affected more than 55 million people. But not the people in Niagara Falls because of the Sir Adam Beck Generating Station - it was unaffected. But it did cause the 1965 widespread blackout on a very cold November night. They were not expecting the power needed that night due to the cold. But there was a full moon out that night that lit the way for many. Reports about an alleged baby boom that followed the blackout nine months later are considered unsubstantiated. :)
When we moved north, the power would go out frequently but never for longer than a few hours. We were prepared there though. We had a woodstove and we had a generator, candles, flashlights and extra food. In the winter, it was easy cause we would put all the fridge and freezer food outside buried on the deck in the snow. We never lost any of the food. We always had heat. But when the lights went out up there, wow was it dark. Dark dark, like nothing we experience here or even in Horseshoe. So dark, you couldn't see your hand in front of your face. Or anything! We have stormy weather here tonight. Winds that are bending the trees and whipping things around. There is a seiche happening in Lake Erie where the westerly winds cause the water to go from Windsor to Fort Erie causing huge waves along the way. They have closed the Parkway in Fort Erie in fear of flooding. This happened in 2023 and water came over the walls and did flood the whole Parkway, crashing some of the wall down in areas. There's a possibility of 10 foot+ waves on Lake Erie today or tomorrow - we'll see if that happens. I would not want to be out there in those waves!
Love, True Love
You know the old saying, ya gotta go through a lot of frogs before you find your prince? I believe that to be true. And when that prince appears in your life, it's so much easier to appreciate him!
I went through a lot of frogs, although I don't consider them really frogs - they were all princes to me at the time. I have had a partner by my side pretty much since I was 13 years old. I learned so much from all of them.
My first experience was my brother's best friend. My brother didn't have a lot of friends and we were all fascinated with this one. He had red hair and a lonely home life. He basically became part of the family as he slid into it naturally. He was often there in the background, just a really nice guy who was willing to do anything. He 'liked' me right from the start. I didn't really understand it but I 'liked' him right back. First as my brother's friend. I was happy for my brother to have a friend like that who shared so many of his interests and blended in so well in our family. Suddenly we were, I guess you could call it, dating? Although we were too young of course but we gravitated towards each other. My brother was not happy and I felt bad so a lot of the times, it was the three of us. Then another guy moved in a few doors down and became my brother's new best friend - a friend he has to this day, a good guy. That left the old friend and I more space and time together. I had no idea about anything when it came to boyfriends lol. I knew I liked his company but I didn't like kissing him - maybe I felt too much guilt. After a few years of high school, I basically broke up with him in order to have more fun with my girlfriends. He was a clinger and I wanted more freedom. That upset the apple cart hugely but I had to move on. He had a very very hard time moving on and to this day, I feel so bad. I knew I broke his heart and I didn't want that. He eventually moved on to become an Architect and moved to Thunder Bay. It was like he had to leave it all behind in search of a life for himself. And I truly hope he found it. We all lost touch with him sadly but the memory of my first red-headed boyfriend will never be forgotten by me. Ironically, my very best friend to this day - she has red hair too ....
She was the one partnered with me in the accident and after we recovered, all we wanted was a boyfriend and we set out to accomplish that goal. She found one first - a nice Italian boy who we all liked. He worked on Clifton Hill and he introduced me to his friend who worked alongside him. My next boyfriend as it turned out. He was from the 'other side of town'. He lived in a super small little house with his three brothers and parents. His dad was a janitor at a school and his mom was a homemaker. I loved this boy! We had so much fun together with our best friends by our side. It helped me so much after the accident to get back into life. He was extremely generous, he worked super hard and he did well at school. We went out every Friday and Saturday night. We'd end up at our house and I had a curfew - home by 12, visitors gone by 1. He would hitchhike his way home all the way down Dorchester Rd to the 'other side' :) He would always get into trouble from his parents but he said it was worth it to him just to spend that time with me. We 'dated' for 8 years. I was 24 years old, working for the past 3 years, living in an apartment, had a car and looking ahead. He seemed stalled at the time. He had graduated from Brock but was still hanging around the same crowd on Clifton Hill. I would question whether or not he had the ability to get a better job, to want to get married and have a family. But he seemed stalled. I broke up with him. I feel I was cruel in my break ups, like I just left them behind. One night, I see headlights in the parking lot from my apartment which was unusual at the time. I realized it was him. He stalked me, not in a bad way, but more in a pathetic way and I felt so bad for him. But it didn't change my resolve to move forward in my life. He did eventually move on too. He found himself a girlfriend who tragically passed away a few years into their relationship. Something he never got over. I met with him recently when I moved back to NF. He seemed to still be the same - stuck in the past but now it was all about the girlfriend who passed away. He had another one that he didn't seem to take very seriously and then he disappeared. We were sending each other happy birthdays or have a good Christmas notes by email. Then he stopped replying or reaching out and I was okay with that. There was no closure on either end but I hope he has sorted things out with the new girlfriend and is living in peace. One Christmas while we were together, he bought a Christmas present for my parents - he was extremely thoughtful like that and my parents really liked him. I have that present now in my apartment - it's a little statue of a sad clown. When I look at it now, I believe it represents his life. A kinda sad life but he's hanging in there.
During this time when I would randomly see him driving around or in the parking lot, I met someone else at work. I thought I had found the love of my life with this one. He was handsome. He was full of life. He had a good family. His dad ran the best Real Estate office in Fort Erie. He was so interested in my family. He loved the cottage. He loved skiing. We moved in together almost right away. We found ourselves a little house in Stevensville that we rented. He was in the process of changing his career over to construction - siding and he did really well. We bought a piece of property across the street from our little rental house and we built a new house. What a fantastic time we had. We hired a contractor and we had choices that we agreed on and suddenly there we were in this brand new house (cost $75,000) living a good life in a small town with family all around. We got married as soon as the house was finished - a small wedding with 30 people. It was great .. til it wasn't. He had joined the volunteer fire fighters in that small town and wow that was an experience like none I had ever had before. First thing we find out is that all the fire fighters had to go for a medical test because of the finding of a girl with an std who said she was passed around at parties and named all the names. That was so weird to me and I hesitated on going to those parties. But he did't. He was fascinated with it all and joined in big time. When I met the Fire Chief (volunteer), ohh boy I saw trouble, big trouble there. He was married, wife was pregnant with #3 and he was out every night. They had the excuse of 'meetings'. On meeting several others, who had the same excuse, I recognized in the wives that they would just turn a blind eye on that whole thing. Did they not care? I know they knew. It seemed to happen very fast - he stopped inviting me to come along, he started going out to 'meetings' every night. I got lonely, I got scared. One day, I wondered where he was (no cell phones at the time of course) and I walked down the street. Don't I see his jeep in front of a house. Since he was supposed to be working, I thought it odd and I knew whose house that was. Suspicion set in. A few days later, we did go to an event at the fire house. It was always alcohol fueled but I didn't indulge because we were trying to have a family...or so I thought. I see that girl there and she's flirting big time with everyone (she was also married). I decide to just walk home because I was bored with all the drunks. But don't I see our jeep drive by with her in my seat. My heart sank. I knew the reality of what I was seeing. We had only been married a year by that time. I questioned him and then he disappeared. Gone. I continue to go to work and I get a call from him there to say he's done, he wants a divorce. I'm in shock. First thing I do is go to his parent's house and sit down with them and tell them everything. They are terribly upset at him. His father advises me to sell the house and to make sure he gets nothing from it. And I did that, with his parent's help. I go to my parent's house - my mom is there and I tell her what happened (not all the details of course). She says 'your father is coming home soon, don't tell him'. This was a theme throughout our life - don't tell your father bad news especially when he's working. So I stay silent for the time being. As I go through the heartache of selling the house, I hear from them 'we will never accept another man you bring home'. They were upset and angry (at him). During the time of selling the house, I get a knock on the door one night and it's the Fire Chief guy. He's got a drink in one hand and a cigar in the other and he wants to come in and 'make sure I was ok'. Ya, no, that wasn't going to happen. I felt that small town was full of germs, creepy people, weirdos, did I mention germs? They were all doing well in their careers, had big houses and families but obviously that wasn't enough. Something infiltrated that small town, something evil.
The house gets sold and I move on. I move to Welland where I was working. First I live in a small basement apartment while sorting through what I should do next. I did still have the comfort of my family who got over the shock and gave me full support. I move from the small apartment to a rental townhouse. From there, I buy a house in Welland. It's a small practical house that I loved. I paint the living room a deep green on New Year's Eve and I settle in. My best friend with the red hair invites me out to her sister's little farm. By this time, my friend is married (not to the Italian) and has two children. Her sister has four girls. I've known them all along of course but really got to know them on the visits to the hobby farm. Her husband's brother moves from Sault Ste Marie down to live with them and they set us up. I reluctantly go along and so does he. We both just really want to be out at the farm. There was no love but there was companionship. He gets his big rig trucker's license and a really good job making a ton of money trucking all over. He moves into my house and we go out to the farm every weekend. My friend and her family also go out every weekend - it became a thing. We started helping around the farm. My guy loved it all - he'd get right in there with the pigs and the cows and the horses. He had no fear. And I started to really enjoy that farm life and of course the girls. I loved them all. I even bought a horse so that there would be two out there and we could go horseback riding together. We would go down the road to the beach and gallop down the beach. The horses loved it. We loved it. We went to farm auctions to buy new calves or chickens. We would stay up all night when they got sick or if they needed help. I got used to the smells. I got used to the animals and I had the best time. To this day, the girls, my friend's sister and her husband - they don't know how much that time out there helped me. I loved the long afternoons of wandering around the property, on foot or on horseback. I learned how to ride bareback. I learned how to care for a horse. I learned not to get too near their tail because if they can't use their hoofs to tell you something, they will use their dirty nasty tails right in your face haha. I invited out my sister who also sorta liked it. We would take her horseback riding but she didn't have the control so was very tentative but got the experience. The original horse was a 'barn' horse, meaning he would only want to hang out in the barn and when we'd take him out, we'd have to fight to get him going cause he just wanted to turn around and go back to being lazy. My horse, Blondie, well she was different. She wanted to go and go fast with or without a rider. We'd get calls from the neighbour - your horse is in our yard lol and the sister would hightail it over to rescue her and bring her back. The sister (my friend's sister) was a horse whisperer and she taught me a lot. She was very quiet with people and only came to life around her animals and her girls. Unfortunately, not everything lasts forever, even when we want it to. Her husband left and she had no choice but to dismantle the farm. The animals are sold, the farm is sold and we had to say goodbye to that amazing life. During that time, my guy's kids came to visit. He had two children who lived then in Ottawa with their mother (she had told him in Sault Ste Marie 'I'm moving to Ottawa and you're not'). His son came to live with us in that little house and we loved it. I had so much fun with him - he was around 11 years old at the time and he also loved the farm and his cousins and his dad. He and I would go on some of the big rig trips. I went to Washington DC one time in the winter - super scary! But exciting - he was delivering construction stuff to the White House. His son went as often as he could on other trips and they loved it. That time also ended and we all moved on. His son back to Ottawa where he has a good career and a family today. My guy went on to hang up the keys and bought a gas station he still runs today. For me, I felt it was time to move on because after the farm life was done, there wasn't much between us and I still wanted true love.
I sell the house and buy another. This house was amazing, I loved it. It was a semi in Welland still cause I worked there and it had a fascinating deck all covered in grape vines and a backyard that was an oasis of gardens. It had a rec room with a woodstove downstairs. It had three bedrooms. It was perfect. I moved in in the summer and had a fantastic time that winter. I remember Christmas parties starting in December all the way through to New Years. Wonderful fun parties. By that time, the nephews started arriving making it even better. It's over the course of that next year that I met the real true love of my life. I realize then, the previous ones were just practice til I got it right :) From the time of the first til I met the last, I lived alone for maybe a few months, maybe a year at a time between. During those times, I traveled and spent a lot of time in Toronto with my sister. I was completely 100% ready for the true love when he showed up. And did he show up! I had kept my distance with the farm guy throughout that time barely introducing him to my family. He wasn't a beach guy but he brought his tractor out to the cottage and fixed the road. He wasn't a party guy but he tried with my family on the rare occasion he was there. I did the opposite with my true love - right away introducing him to my family. And right away, he connected with each one in their way because that's what he did. He was accepted and he was loved for who he was. And my parents relaxed and knew I was ok. He moved into the semi in Welland as we started on our journey together. But that's another story :)
September 1976. I was a month shy of 17 years old and my entire world was upended and entirely changed forever.
We had just experienced a great summer out at the cottage and as usual, headed back into the city on Labour Day to prepare ourselves for school. Also exciting cause we would get to see all our friends again and find out what everyone had done over the summer. I'm happily back with my best friend and she invites me over to her house on the first day of school to keep her company while her parents were away. My parents were away too settling my sister into University. We had a great dinner of mac 'n butter (cause she didn't like cheese - imagine that!) and then we headed out for a bike ride on a bicycle built for two that her dad had made. How fun! Til it wasn't ....
We were on Mountain Rd and we had just turned around in the parking lot of the Regency Hotel and were heading back to her place. I was on the front of the bike, she was on the back. As we were cycling away, on the correct side of the road being very very careful, I heard something behind. I looked very quickly and I see this car coming towards us very very fast. I said to my friend, let's move over more, that car is coming fast and we did. Suddenly I hear the horrible very very loud screeching of brakes and then BOMB. We are hit. I go flying way way up in the air. I can still see, I can still feel everything. I see the car and it was flipping over and over, as high as the telephone wires and lands way way down the road. I can feel myself floating through the air and then I land and I'm in excruciating pain. I've never felt that in my life before. Next thing I know is there is this very pregnant woman by my side, comforting me, telling me to hang on, help was coming. I could see my friend lying in the middle of the road pretty far from me and others were surrounding her. I could hear the far off sound of sirens. I looked at the car but could barely see it, it was so far down the road. I was trying to piece it all together and nothing made any sense.
The ambulance comes and I do remember thinking the guys were young, strong and handsome. They got me into one of the ambulances. I was laid down on my side because of the pain I felt but the one ambulance guy kept his hand on my injured hip trying to soothe me and I was grabbing the little curtains on the window, tearing them apart. I couldn't tell him to not put his hand there. I couldn't say anything. I remember being in a haze, not in the world, I was floating above watching it all happen. The ambulance doesn't take the direct route to the hospital - one of the young guys was the driver and took a wrong turn. We still got there and I'm put into a cubicle in the ER. I can hear my friend screaming. I can hear the driver of the car yelling at the doctors - 'don't touch me', 'leave me alone' and more. Almost right away, they gave me a shot of Demerol. At 16 yrs old, I had never been on any kind of medication so it hit me hard, right away. I was floating even higher now - listening to the screams and the yelling and watching the doctors and nurses running around trying to help. My brother and sister come in and my eyes are all shiny and I say I'm fine. The ER doc says if I can stand, I can go home. Of course I couldn't stand so instead I'm wheeled into X-ray and then into this other room while they stitched up my foot. We were hit so hard, my one shoe went flying off and I had a huge gash that required a whole bunch of stitches. I remember the needle being put directly into the open gash but then felt nothing as they fixed that up. Turns out, that was the least of my problems.
They admitted my friend and I into a room together as we waited for our parents to show up - mine that night, hers the next. I woke up the next morning to a nightmare that has affected me for the rest of my days. I knew it then. My friend suffered a broken pelvis and horrible road rash. I was so bruised up inside, it was unclear on the x-rays what was wrong with me. It took a week or so before it was clear I had broken my hip, my pelvis, my foot and was completely bruised all down my right side. I was bed bound. My friend was a bit luckier in that she could get up almost right away and walking. We stayed together in the hospital for a couple of weeks and then she got to go home. She did well in the hospital. She couldn't remember anything about the accident and that helped her get better quicker. I, on the other hand, hated every minute of it (except that we were together), I would bury my head under the sheets when people came to visit. I had to use a bed pan, we had unwashed hair and I was in horrible pain all the time.
We could hear loud moaning and sorrow from the room beside us. Since my friend could get up, she discovered there was a young boy, maybe 12 or so who had dove into a pool with too little water and he was paralyzed. He was in this contraption, all steel, that would turn him over and then back again. He was in incredible pain, mentally and physically and I could relate. We had to listen to him all day and it seemed all night. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't get comfortable. I knew my life was over as I knew it. What about skiing? What about tennis? I was just becoming good at both. What about family adventures? What about life? I was quiet. I was sorrowful. I felt bad for anyone who came to visit because I couldn't be normal. At one point, a flu went through the hospital and we were transferred together into the baby ward. Here we are in beds, side by side, surrounded by cribs of crying babies. I feel like I never slept. All around me were screams, moans and children in pain. I was in pain. Then the flu ended and we were back in a room together. Until the unthinkable - my friend gets to go home. Me, not yet. I endured another few weeks alone until the magic day that I got to go home too.
Due to my broken hip, I was unable to walk without crutches. I had to learn how to use the crutches and my mother was my nurse. They installed me upstairs in my own bed and I could make it to the bathroom and back. Otherwise for months, I was in that bed, in that room. My mother brought me in a little mini t.v. that got a couple of stations. I watched late night tv which wasn't really late night cause the stations would go off the air after the 11 news. But I thought of it as late night. I discovered this weird show called Soap with Billy Crystal. That was literally the only show I remember watching on that little tv but it helped me get to sleep. My friend went back to school - she was on crutches too but only as guides, she was able to put pressure on both legs and was crutch free within weeks. I couldn't go back to school. Instead I had teachers come in to the house. By this time, I could make my way downstairs - I had been taught how to go down the stairs on my butt, very very slowly. I don't remember how I got back up but I was so happy to at least be able to go downstairs. Except then I had teachers (2 of them) come in and I had to sit at the dining room table while they went over grade 12 stuff. Stuff I could not comprehend. Stuff I could not understand. But at least the effort on both parts was there. I remember how kind my family was to me at the time. They treated me like I had died and come back to life. Maybe I did. But they helped me so much in coming back to life and I am forever grateful for them all.
I was finally able to go back to school in March of the following year. What a strange experience that was. I was still on crutches, I was still recovering both mentally and physically. I refused to wear a backpack for my books cause it wasn't cool and I didn't want to stand out even more than I already did. I remember one time coming out of the library, my hands full of crutches and books and the books spilled all over. Several people walked on by but one guy, maybe the best looking guy, the one who became President of our class the next year, he stopped and he helped me. I was thrilled and I was embarrassed. Years later, he married and raised his family right around the corner from my parents and unfortunately, he passed away from cancer way way too early. He was forever, in my mind, a hero. There were many other heroes I recognized during this time of my struggle. There were those who instinctively knew when to help and when to just be there in support. I eventually learned to walk again without crutches. But the pain never went away. It's with me to this very day. People say 'what about surgery?', 'why don't you go to a doctor and get it fixed?', 'what's wrong with you, sh*t happens, get over it' and more. I ignore all that chatter. No one really knows. Surgery could not fix what was literally broken inside me. Even the doctors I had to go to when we launched the law suit against the drunk driver, who as it turned out, was clocked going 90 miles an hour when she it us, couldn't say I could be fixed 100%. I remember one doctor basically saying I was faking it. Another telling me to take 12 aspirins a day - that'll help. I remember having to go to the courthouse to address her charges. Because she had a cut on her face (and nothing else), they couldn't do a breathalyzer on her. Everyone, from the ambulance guys to the doctors at the hospital and us - we knew how loaded she was. We could smell it in ER. She was a low life scumbag from Welland. And I hated her. I was barely able to walk but we showed up at the courthouse. The Judge lived behind us and I had babysat for him but he was a professional. The problem was that the original cop didn't show up so the Judge had no choice but to give her the lower charge of careless driving and a $325 fine. The Judge took it upon himself after that to see that cops would be subpoenaed going forward.
Several, like 20 years, go by and I'm working in an insurance office in Welland. My friend is working for the same company in Niagara Falls. We were a Life Insurance company mostly and I manned the front desk alone. One day, in walks this ugly downtrodden woman who presents me with a life insurance policy and says her father died and she was the beneficiary. I look at the name and it's her. I couldn't believe it. It's her. She looked horrible. Ugly doesn't even describe it. My first thought was good, you've had a bad life. There was no forgiveness in me at all, just anger and disgust. I knew then that I had risen above and she went below. Good. I also thought, she doesn't deserve this death money and I had a choice to make there and then. I could have sabotaged it somehow. I know I could have. But I didn't. I silently took her paperwork, said nothing to her and dismissed her by turning my back. Obviously she was used to treatment like that because she left. I immediately called my friend and we talked about how unbelievable it was that that just happened. We were both angry and we talked through it for hours. I did submit the paperwork and she did get the little bit her father had left her. I remember hoping she would take the money and drink herself to death. I never had forgiveness for her, ever, to this day. Does that weigh on me? No actually it doesn't. And I refuse to take on someone else's faults. It gave me strength and power going forward in my life. I was not ever ever going to make those same choices. I was never going to hurt someone and then just drink it all away.
This part of my life allowed me to recognize forms of evil in others. It allowed me the courage to walk away from what I saw as wrong and always walk towards the light. It lead me to meeting the true love of my life. Over the years with my true love, I recanted my memories of that time to him. He found it fascinating and he always understood when I would say enough, I have to leave or I have to walk away. Coming from his own trauma, which was different than mine, but strangely has the same outcomes. We aligned very closely in our traumas, learning from each other. It brought us even closer. It gave me the special power to lay his head to rest at the time it needed to be. I now reach out to him to help me through this time and as always, he is here, with me.
Forgiveness
After I wrote out the story of my accident that happened when I was 16 years old, I thought about the fact that I did not and could not forgive the drunken low life who hit us. And of course wondered, does that make me a bad person? Are we supposed to forgive everyone for everything? Is that what Jesus would do? Is that what the bible says to do? Maybe those who have never been trespassed upon to that extent think so. My belief is that there is evil in this world. Very bad evil that others do to people. Did that evil drunk do this on purpose? Or was it an accident on her part? In court, she got up there and said she saw 10 of us across the road (that's how drunk she was) and that she slammed on her brakes to avoid all of us. Liar. Evil woman. Low life. She never suffered like we did. And I wanted her to. An eye for an eye. And I will never have forgiveness in my heart for that walking dead person. I lost my innocence that day and it never came back. And from then on, I spotted evil a mile away. I left all kinds of circumstances because I saw evil. Or the beginnings of evil. I wasn't going to put myself back into that torcher for anyone. You know what I think? I think those that go around saying I forgive those that trespass against me are liars. They are lying to themselves. They are lying out loud. And I simply don't believe them.
The evil that happened to me that day hit me once. Other evils out there hit time and time again. It's a form of insanity to stay and let yourself be hit again and again and again. You can't fix evil. I can't forgive evil. Do I forgive someone who lashes out at me once? Yes. Because that's their pain, not mine. Do I forgive someone who lashes out at me over and over? No, I walk away. I'm not about to take on their pain. I can't fix it. They can. Fix yourself. Don't lash out at others. Don't dwell in your own disaster. Fix it. And if you can't fix it, then don't be surprised if others avoid you or walk away from you. Find out why. Go deep. Think it through til it hurts. Then and only then, will you understand what you've done to others.
I can honestly say there are two people in my life who I will never forgive for their trespasses. The drunken fool is one. The other shall remain nameless. And they are still walking around obliviously living their life thinking they are free. But yet, I can see they are not free as they carry much guilt. And I know, they know. They are just too full of pride and full of ego to ever see the forest for the trees .....God is with me on this path. He knows.
In the 1970's, flying to destinations by airplane were rare, very rare events. It was very different than it is today. People dressed up in their 'good' clothes to fly. Airports weren't crowded. Customs was just a gate with a person standing there not asking any questions. We had our birth certificates and that was it. It was super exciting!
The very first time I flew was with my family to ski in Colorado. It was a 'charter' plane. We flew out of Toronto into a small airport in Grand Junction. We had an amazing week skiing in Aspen. We were in the mountains where it snowed all night and the sun shone all day. We got sunburnt faces. We skied for as long as we could. The last run up to the top was at around 3 pm because it took that long to ski down. We swam in outdoor pools in the snow. We had the most amazing time.
Then we had to head home and took a bus from Aspen back to Grand Junction. We all got seated on the plane and the Stewardesses (all beautiful woman) came around and checked everyone's seat and seatbelts. My dad was beside me and before the Stewardess got to him, he realized his seat was not working properly so he switched with me. Well, thank you Dad! When she came to my seat, she said 'you've got a broken seat, come with me'. I jumped up and followed her down the aisle. She brought me into the pilot's cabin. I had no idea why til she told the pilot my seat was broken and I was going to sit in the navigator's seat. There was just a pilot and co-pilot for this flight and my seat was behind the pilot.
By this time, my Dad realized what was going on and jokingly said that was his seat and he should be in the cabin. But no, we were all set to go by this time. The pilots were funny. They talked to me the whole time. They start down the runway and joke about the fact that the runway was under construction - I could see the construction lights way down and as the plane is starting to roll down the runway, they say 'oh not sure we're going make it this time'. It was night time, very dark when we left and the plane did make it into the air just before we were at the end of the runway. Of course, I thought it just barely made it but I think now there was plenty of room.
Since it was pretty dark, I didn't see much more at that time. Then we were at cruising height, flying along and out the front window, I could see wispy clouds, very dark skies and stars. This was during a time when the pilots would then open up the cabin so visitors could come in and talk with them and see the panels, the lights. They would joke that they wanted people in there to keep them awake. I sat in my seat and I didn't move, just in case my dad thought he could change seats with me lol. I sat and listened to their jokes and watched intently out that front window. It was so exciting! They would explain to me and to the visitors who came in all about the instrument panel and the auto pilot.
We were flying into Toronto and shortly before we got there, the sun came up. I couldn't really see the actual sun coming up but it went very quickly from dark to light. And suddenly we were flying over the clouds in the light. Seatbelts signs started dinging and everyone had to buckle up. The pilots were still talking and joking and really having a good time. Since all we could see were clouds below us, they told me they were taking a chance that they were headed to the airport but 'we'll see'. They spent the entire time trying to get my goat and each time, I would gasp or say 'oh I hope so!'. Maybe after a while, I was playing their game too.
As we get closer to Toronto, they do get a little more serious watching their panels and saying things into their headsets rather than at me. We start descending which seemed to take forever. There wasn't much to see while we were descending because of the clouds. And then suddenly, we break through the clouds and there's the runway, right there. Like what seemed like 10 feet away. And the pilots cheered and said 'oh good, we made it'. I'll never forget seeing that runway appear like that. It was definitely more than 10 feet up and we just glided down onto the runway. What a sensation! It was like magic. Especially for someone who had never even been on a plane and had no idea. The actual landing was a bit bumpy and the pilots did get a little more serious at that time. I remember them talking about going off the auto pilot but I'm not sure when that actually was. As soon as we landed, everyone in the back (the mere peasants who didn't experience the same trip I did haha) clapped and cheered. The pilots thanked me for being a good sport cause I took in all their jokes, laughed and kept them company the whole way (or so they said).
My dad would kid around with me for years after about me stealing his opportunity but I know he was glad that I had it. I flew several times more after that experience, the last time was in the early 90's but never had that happen again! It wouldn't happen ever in this day and age of security concerns. This is a memory I carry forever! How lucky was I!!
There's a story currently in the 'news' about a former Olympian from Canada who is now one of the most wanted person in the US. They call him El Jefe because he's a huge drug dealer, running a 'multi national drug trafficking network'. He apparently had a Federal witness killed and is now on the FBI's most wanted list. He's probably in Mexico protected by one of the cartels there as he seems to be able to stay free for now. I remembered his name from a few years ago. His name is actually Ryan Wedding. I thought to myself...where have I heard that name before and then I remembered. I googled his name + Niagara Falls murder and there it was. He orchestrated a killing in 2023 here in Niagara Falls and the reason it interested me was because I knew the name of the person he had killed. This person was young (29) and was gunned down outside his house not too far from where I live in front of his family. His name was Randy Fader Jr. I had heard the name Fader for years. Dave's family had been very close to the Faders. They went camping together. They did a lot of travelling together. Dave had stories about Randy Fader Sr. Not great stories to be honest. Dave saw him as somehow 'off'. Dave mother was extremely close to Randy's parents and had heard that Randy Sr had moved to NF so encouraged Dave to look him up. He never did. He just wasn't interested in getting involved with that family again - he literally had zero interest and moved on. Randy Sr had married and had a bunch of kids and we had to endear many many conversations about how great the family was, how well Randy was doing. Randy Sr built his own house. He had many children. Oh he did everything so right. She had a habit of constantly comparing people she knew to her own family and well, everyone else did so much better lol. She thought so. No one else did. Fast forward to 2023 and I'm reading about Randy Fader Jr getting gunned down. I thought it was a shame it was in front of his family but wondered why that would happen to someone. I mean, regular people don't get gunned down, targeted obviously. The original story didn't say much so I had to fill in some blanks. I thought drugs for sure. Lots of drugs in NF and he didn't live in a great area. But I looked him up and realized this was one of the Faders that Dave's family knew. He was Randy's son. This was a drug hit and it was orchestrated by Ryan Wedding, the FBI's most wanted man. So Randy Jr was in that world dipping into real life with a wife, 2 kids and a house. I feel bad for his family of course. But I can't help but go back to how much the Faders were so admired by a few people and we had to endure listening to that, being compared to that. Dave didn't want to be associated with any of the Faders. Dave was so amazingly street smart and knew to avoid the drug culture. Sure, he could have found himself in it, making a ton of money and hiding from real life. That's not the life Dave wanted. Imagine choosing a life correctly but never being admired for it. Instead being compared to someone who didn't. Dave would not be shocked by this story. He would have kinda expected it. I am shocked by the story at this time just because of how connected Randy Jr appears to be to this guy Ryan Wedding. There's a new headline that says his mother wants everyone to know her son was not a 'monster'. Sorry Mom but he was involved in some really bad stuff. Drugs are bad. We're talking the worst of the worst drugs. They say cocaine but ya I'm thinking way more than that. We're talking big money. We're talking cartels. We're talking getting killed for it. So ya, he was a bad man. NF is full of drugs, like many other places in Canada now. The Faders set up a Go Fund Me account saying Randy Jr was taken in a moment of senseless tragedy and terror. And they have raised $28,000 so far. Personally the family should just be taking care of the wife and children. This actually wasn't a senseless tragedy. It makes perfect sense to me. Is it greed that makes people fall into the drug trade? Why would you do it for any other reason than money? A quick and easy way to make it. But a very dangerous one. And anyone involved to that extent knows that. The family knows that. His wife knew it. His young daughters didn't. So Fader family - work your way through this. Guess what? Turns out, you're not the perfect family after all .... Now that's a tragedy.
"The Algorithms." The algorithms can't access your inner thoughts but they know your patterns so well that they can guess your weaknesses and tempt you with them.
“Life is like a train. You don’t stay at every stop, and not everyone rides with you until the end.”
Have you ever had a conversation with someone who has pre-conceived notions of you already? I think we all have. It is a challenge to understand it at first but when you do, you realize how frustrating it is to not be able to express true thoughts and feelings. Either it's because of an interruption in your attempt to 'explain yourself', maybe they are new views you've taken because of more research or you're just never given the chance because the 'other' person is so logical and maybe a bit forceful in their view. And we find ourselves retreating and wondering about our own sanity, maybe even changing a 'view' or two along the way. But in the after of the conversation, given time to get clarity again, we may find ourselves right back with those new thoughts that make sense with the new knowledge or foresight. And so you realize that well maybe I don't want to have conversations like that or just with an understanding of the inability for someone to see you differently. To see that maybe you might have an interesting insight or two also. If it happens multiple times, we have to give our head a shake and move forward with purpose on our own views. If sometimes we're just looking for some good conversation, it's not likely to happen with people who already 'know' you ... or think they do.
"Bring it all together and breathe in your security."
- Kate
There's no satisfaction like a quiet, cozy, comfy home.
A pantry filled with the things you love.
A car that starts every morning, and takes you where you need to be
You don't need luxury to feel rich
Just comfort, safety and a few good people who make the ordinary days feel special
Peace doesn't come from having more
It comes from finally realizing you have enough
October 2025
The Realness
The Realness excerpt is taken from an email I received from the kindest soul, Kate, Dave's niece. I met Kate when she was a sweet little girl who spoke up and we listened! She was a marvel to us. So intelligent. So open-minded. So full of life. We watched her grow into the most lovely wife, mother, daughter and friend to all. Still so intelligent. Still so open-minded. Still so full of life and after giving life to three beauties, even more so! She is full of empathy and full of amazing talent that I admire every day. Kate is the kind of person who makes one think of paying it forward. Be like Kate :)
Wednesday October 8, 2025
It doesn't get more real than this. I remember sitting around this fire pit talking to Dave about our future. We had plans to build on this wooded acre. So many ideas we dreamed about and so many we accomplished. One of those ideas was to have this forest hideaway off grid. For some strange reason, there was no cell service available on our property. If we walked two minutes down the road, there was. So included in our plans was to 'retire' CAP. Dave had ideas to ramp up the biz for the next few years, work hard at it and be able to 'sell' the concept so we could add to our retirement investments. Add in selling our houses and moving permanently to the forest. Our retirement would be well funded for the simple life there. Off grid was exciting to talk about. We made plans for a well, pools made from shipping containers, a cute small home designed for us, additional trailers for company. Dave's vision was he would be busy every day, every season working on the properly in one way or another. Just keeping everything working, keeping me happy, staying in shape with more ideas, having family around all the time. That was to be our retirement.
We almost got there but we did get interrupted. Now almost 6 years later, CAP kept going, income kept coming in, I had CAP to think about and work on. The property is still there, untouched since Dave and I spent time in '17. I'm far away now and have made the decision to put CAP away. I wasn't able to do Dave's version of selling the concept as I struggled with working with a team in the Time After and whittled CAP down over the last 6 years as my situation changes. So it's a completely different vision ... this retirement. I'm here in a city, living in the Penthouse. I have family all around including a mother in need. I balance my time either visiting/caring for her, getting outside with the camera, watching youtube, developing this website, visiting with the sisters & brother, driving around the city observing the beauty and the opposite sometimes. Looking ahead, maybe I'll spend some time in the forest. More likely, the days, months and seasons will keep turning as my current view is of the oak tree and the big sky. I look out often when I'm inside and even more often driving around. Always looking for that small strange spot in the sky..... "A wave came crashing like a fist to the jaw Delivered him wings, "Hey, look at me now" Arms wide open with the sea as his floor Oh, oh, oh He's flying, oh High, wide, oh He floated back down 'cause he wanted to share This key to the locks on the chains he saw everywhere But first he was stripped, and then he was stabbed By a faceless man, well f*ckers, he still stands And he still gives his love, he just gives it away The love he receives is the love that is saved And sometimes he's seen a strange spot in the sky A human being that was given to fly"..... I know you're up there wishing me a good year ahead. Don't worry, I plan on keeping up with kindness and empathy, staying on the simple life plan we designed to suit us and benefit others at the same time - I'm on it!